“When you meet the other half of your soul, you will know in a flash why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else until now and be grateful to all those who rejected you and let you go. You will see each one of them was an angel guiding you in the right direction. Take that view point now and be at peace.”

—Jackson Kiddard

Valentines’ Day would be tomorrow. Yes, I am single—I do not need a day to remind me that. In the meantime, I could say I’m used to being single yet uncomfortable about it. Who wouldn’t be when you spent all your life being nobody’s official girl? It’s not that I am complaining about it. I believe that God will provide me a life partner on the right time if I’m really destined to get married. However, frankly, I’m getting tired of waiting at times and Valentine’s Day really pressures me.

Nonetheless, it’s just one day in a year, it will easily pass. For me, it will be an ordinary four hours class day in school. Probably, I’ll wear green or violet but not red. I’m guessing that I’ll have some absent classmates because they have their respective dates. Maybe there would be a lot of paper hearts everywhere, lots of unending love themed love songs on the radio, chocolates, stuffed toys and promises that day. I’m sure that I’ll see happy couples holding hands while walking on the streets with matching shirts. Perhaps, there would be a lot of proposals and mass weddings on the news tomorrow. I’m not expecting anything new tomorrow. I’ve seen twenty-two Valentine’s Day and believe me, I am not expecting it to be different with my twenty-third Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

But still, I hope for that one Valentine’s Day that would make the difference.

I’m never against the celebration of romantic love. It’s probably the strongest feeling that one could feel in a lifetime. It’s something intense, wonderful and crucial feeling where in you place all your hopes and dreams on one person who loves you. Suddenly, all the things on your Bucket list shortened into one wish: to be with that person forever. You want that person to be happy more than anything and in return, that person wishes the same for you. It’s everything a person hopes and dreams about so it is only fair and just to give romantic love a day of celebration. They said that love is the closest thing to magic, but for me love is magic itself. I cannot wait for that day to call the person I love as my own.

However, I am against the over commercialism of romantic love. I do not understand why people need to be setup with random people that day so that they could say that they weren’t alone in Valentine’s Day. I do not understand why some girls who receive flowers flaunt their bouquet for the whole Valentine’s Day like it is a medal from the Nobel Prize or something to have their girl friends jealous. I do not understand some girls who actually feel inferior to girls who carry around flowers and feel very ugly. I know that there were some girls who were so depressed that they bought their own bouquets just to show their friends that they weren’t ‘alone’ on Valentine’s Day. How I want to slap this girls to return to reality but somehow, I could relate to them as loneliness make you really feel dying inside at a rapid rate.

Two rules in life that I forever follow: Always be true to yourself and love yourself first before you can share love to others. I’m the type of person who never really lies. I can be frank, blunt and straightforward with my thoughts and feelings. With that attitude, I gained friends who accepted me for who I am. Nonetheless, I had my realizations a few months that probably the reason why I do not have a boyfriend yet is I failed to truly love myself first. So slowly, I’m picking up my self-confidence which I seriously lack and try improving myself even a little one day at a time. I learned how to put makeup and carry myself around and lessen the awkwardness that I carry within as much as I could. Probably that’s why people told me that I seem to ‘bloom’ these days. Gradually, I now understand how much I love my future spouse will be that I want to be the best that I could be in mind, body and spirit. I want to be the best that I could be so that I could be the woman who shall every day be deserving of his love and the woman who he shall be proudly say that he is indeed lucky to have.

I put patience in love because I still need to be able to complete myself so I could be that perfect compliment for the person destined for me. I wish all girls would be too. We need to love and respect ourselves first to be worthy of a prince charming who would love us back. So on Valentine’s Day, let us still spread the love with the people we meet. Laugh around with friends. Comfort people who had already given up with love. Be grateful for your family and friends who accepts you for who you are.  Be a complete person for him. And one day, the doors of destiny shall open for us. Actually, I often ask married couple on how they ended up together. Some says they were friends for a long time, others instantaneously felt the attraction the moment they see their future spouse. The main point is what will happen shall definitely happen. We must be ready for that day when we meet that person who shall be worth the wait and would absolutely say the same for us.

Oh, and one more thing, for singles do not waste your whole Valentine’s Day looking at your Facebook timeline seeing some of your friends basically brag about their dates or on the other side, complain how lonely they are on Valentine’s Day. Both extremes will not make you feel better so ditch Facebook for three days perhaps.

To the person destined for me, I hope to see you soon…but then you see, I wish you are the person I truly love now. If you weren’t, please come to my life tomorrow? If you are that person I thank God that I love you because you are such a good person. I pray for you every day so in that way I give love to you every single day even if we’re not yet together. I’m crazy I know. But if it isn’t crazy then it isn’t love.

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, have a heartfelt Valentine’s Day!

According to the Bible first thing a person should understand for love is be patient and to do kindness in order for us to have the love that never fails. When in doubt, just continue to love, love and love.

“To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other’s hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time. “

—Clara Ortega

Dear Gio,

Happy 16th Birthday!

Sixteen, wow. In two more years, you are going to be part of the adult world. How can that be? In my eyes, you’ll always be my little baby. When you were born, I was about to celebrate my eighth birthday in less than three months. You were quite a surprise as they were not expecting you to come since our parents were considered to have seemed graduated in their baby making years. Nonetheless, I was still expecting you. When I was in pre-school, I dreamt at least twice that I’ll have a brother. I told everyone but nobody really took me seriously.

But then you came.

It wasn’t easy at all raising you mainly because you were a very hyper child but at the same time, very sickly. There is no standard of care strictly imposed on you. There are days when we have to be strict on you and punish you for being a naughty boy. However, there are days when we cannot discipline you because we were afraid of your convulsion attacks.

Though our parents always state that they do not favor any one of us, I really believe that you were their favorite. First, culture-wise, Asian parents prefer male children over their female ones because they carry the surname of the family and having a surname that’s in the brink of extinction, they were so pleased to have you. Second, you were the youngest and their only son. You easily and naturally get their attention and care. Third, because you were sickly as a child, we all learned to take care of you extraordinarily.

Despite that, I’m not jealous of you at all.

I have to say that you bought so much joy in my life. Yes, we have our bad days which we almost want to kill each other—all siblings reached that point in their every day love-hate relationship. Besides, it’s a general fact that you were self-centered, irrational and so stubborn. You wouldn’t listen to anyone all the time and you lose things all the time because of your untidiness. However, overall you made me happy. I love how you quickly learned things as a child to present. I love how you smile and how you listened to me. I love how you easily believed in everything that I say. I love the games and pranks that we had played. I love (and also hate) how arrogant, conceited and confident you are. I love how we eat together. I love your “boyish charms” which we use so that our mother will buy us pizza. I love how you grew up to be good in math and sciences which is very unlike me. I love how sharp your memory is and know so many things on NBA and movies. I love how you decided to be a Civil Engineer for college because you want to improve our drainage system after suffering much from typhoon Ondoy.

I just love you so much. It is so much that I find myself weirdly obtaining pleasure as I spoil you, too.

You may come late in our life but still, you are a very important gift. On June, you’ll be starting the path on fulfilling your dream in becoming a Civil Engineer in my alma mater, University of Santo Tomas. I have mixed feelings about it. One part of me is extremely excited and one part of me is extremely worried on how you are going to take college. But I must also accept that you are now a big boy who is very competent and capable. I’m sure that you would do well because we raised you well. But please, do not have a girlfriend yet. Mother, Le-Anne and I aren’t ready yet for us to have someone to share in the title, “the only girls in your life”.

But come what may, we will always be here for you. We will support you all the way. We will love you to death. I was lying of course, when I told you that ever since you were born, my life was cursed because you are indeed, a blessing. Enjoy your youth, sixteen is such a fun year so hold on to it as you open yourself to changes you’d never imagine. This is going to be your year. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you.

May God bless you all the way!

This was from my 21st birthday. Everyone else was busy so he celebrated it with me. One of my favorite days with him.

“The new tourism line will be more competitive than just an adjective. It is going to be an expression, drawn from natural conversation. The new tourism line is not a manufactured line; it’s drawn from the way Filipinos have touched the lives of tourists.”

—-Secretary Ramon Jimenez Jr., Department of Tourism.

Honestly, can you say that it’s more fun in the Philippines?

It’s not that I’m very skeptical. Honestly, I have to attest to all foreigners that it is indeed, “more fun in the Philippines”. The beaches, the sunset, the food and the hospitality of the Filipinos are certainly unmatched in the world. Albeit the fact that this country is a developing country with truckloads of problems, nothing can match with human warmth and the beauty of nature that could be found here. But if there is something wrong with the “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” campaign of the Department of Tourism, it’s pretty much a mouthful but it isn’t saying much about visiting the Philippines.

I do not blame the Department of Tourism. “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” is definitely an improvement from that lame “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” (“Philippines, so Beautiful”) whose logo and depiction is an obvious and embarrassing imitation from Poland’s tourism logo. Never mind that there had already been a “It’s More Fun in Switzerland” slogan back in the 1950’s. The words chosen for the logos are too plain that it isn’t impossible that someone else could think of it. I believe in coincidences but the mere fact that someone had thought of our logo decades before Department of Tourism had thought about it means something is wrong.

A lot of countries didn’t make it right on their first tries. Everyone is probably familiar with the successful tourism logo of Malaysia which is, “Malaysia, Truly Asia”. But before that they ventured to a short logo, “Fascinating Malaysia”, which didn’t really work to something longer, “To Know Malaysia is to Love Malaysia” which also didn’t sound right that it captured the essence of visiting Malaysia. Japan’s current tourism slogan is, “Japan. Endless Discovery.” is a massive improvement from their previous tasteless logo, “Cool Japan”.

Nonetheless, I believe that we could do better.  If we examine that long slogan, we shall discover that the only useful word besides the Philippines in the slogan is FUN. But what is fun? Fun, according to Dictionary.com, means something which provides mirth of amusement; enjoyment of playfulness; and lastly, it also means to kid or joke. I believe that we need more gravity on the choice of words that we place in our logo. Fun is not just too simple but something that lacks punch because it cannot be taken too seriously. It lacks the sizzle, the thrill and the enthusiasm of one to visit the country.

Take note that the brevity of tourism logos seems to be popular nowadays. It seems like wordy slogan like Australia’s defunct slogan, “Where the Bloody Hell are You?” had caused decline rather than increase in their tourism. However, if one should stick with the one adjective slogan, one has to encapsulate the very essence of why one should be thrilled to explore your country. That one adjective must be powerful enough to describe the expectation on why one should visit yet it must be cordial enough for one to easily remember it. I think “Incredible India” best illustrate it. The richness and vividness of India’s long history, diversity of people and spirituality can be summed up with the potent word, incredible. Our Asian neighbors seem to follow suit, namely, “Amazing Thailand”, “Your Singapore”, “Mystic Myanmar”, “Destination Pakistan” and “China Forever”.

Therefore, I wonder. What the hell is wrong with WOW PHILIPPINES?

Shortly after Department of Tourism’s big reveal that we’re going to use “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” slogan, netizens expressed their want to retain the Wow Philippines slogan that we had for years. Wow is a simple word, but you cannot call it plain. Wow is something that excites and amazes. It makes one builds up a person’s interest over something. Wow connotes surprises and everybody loves surprises! I love how that three-letter word could say so much for the Philippines and the possible experience one may encounter if he visits this country. That is exactly what the Philippines needs to tattoo on a potential tourist’s mind.

So why fix something that is not broken?

Let me go back with Malaysia Truly Asia slogan. Ever since they launched this slogan, they had overtaken Thailand as the top tourist destination in Asia. It also garnered awards such as Best Long Term Marketing and Branding Campaign Gold Awards at Asian Marketing Effectiveness Awards 2008. How cool is that? The moral of Malaysia’s successful tourism campaign is that we must also be inspired to create something that would essentially sell the Philippines as one of the top tourism destination in the world. Tourism generates income which would help alleviate the pitiful 7% unemployment rate in our country. Actually, a lot of unemployed people that I know are graduates of Hotel and Restaurant Management and Tourism graduates. They do not need to go abroad. We need them here to successfully launch our tourism campaign. That’s why I believe that we need to think more to entice foreigners to visit the country. Our current campaign logo will simply not do.

Bear in mind that more than good marketing is the quality of the product to be sold. Perhaps, I cannot call it fun if shortly after landing in Ninoy Aquino International Airport, I see outdated facilities, rude airport staffs and confusing routes. The flush of the toilet sometimes do not even work! No wonder NAIA is branded as one of the worst airports in the world. Also, I cannot call it fun if traffic is bad all day long and there are no strong attempts from the government to regulate it. It’s also not fun knowing that this country still have a long way to go in resolving the peace problems and politics are never stable. It’s also never fun seeing how dirty our environment is, especially here in the mega congested Metro Manila.  We have a lot to do in order for us to be a real tourism destination.

Still, I want to give “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” a try. It is after all a good logo. But I don’t want just a good slogan. I want the best slogan that we could possibly have for our country. But who knows, it might be a good start for our campaign to be known as a tourist destination here.

I’ll gladly eat my words if that happen.

xxx                                                xxx                                                    xxxx

I did some research for this entry but I think nothing beats SLOVENIA.

I love Slovenia--there's Fun in their Pun!

2012. Wow. This time about, a year ago, I was so lost but I could not really explain why to anyone. I’m too stubborn to accept what I feel. I’m too hurt to find words to express my feelings. I’m too lost to find anyone to talk to. A few days after, I find myself budgeting time between school work and the hospital. My sister is suddenly confined because of dengue. I hardly had focus on anything. I fall down from everything—the overpass, the bathtub and even on straight surface. I was black and blue because of bruises both figuratively and literally.

I am nothing but a mess.

The next months were bipolar. There are days wherein there is nothing but happiness. There are days where I feel apathetic about everything. There are days where I could just kill, holler and break things had it been legal. There are days where I could just bow my head down and weep while all alone going home from the bus ride. There are days where I feel so good that I’m ready to die. There are days where I feel so low, misunderstood, lonely and ugly that I want to die.

2011 was not a great year for me but it taught me one important lesson: Life goes on.

Life goes on. You might be forgotten by some friends but you will eventually gain some more. You might lose so much energy and experience so much pain over a broken heart but the world shall not stop for you. You still have work to finish, cases to read and things to do that only you will be able to do. Life shall not stop for you. If you’re bruised, stand up and keep on walking. Take that first step and you might be surprised that you’re already on your one-thousandth. Life goes on because you are stronger than you think. I hoped despite depression. I learned to be brave and smile to everyone though my heart aches. I continued to love despite the pain.

Of course, there are some people that I have to thank along the way. I thank my family because even if you make me crazy, life without you is even crazier. I thank my high school and college friends for our friendship that stands up to now where we are all driven like crazy with adulthood problems. I thank my warriors and amazons people for being good friends to me and being my partners-in-crime. But I give this one special thank you to God. I know He’s always there for me but I thank Him more especially for this year for the little miracles and people who are actually angels in disguise who helped me cope up.

Let’s go fast forward to few minutes before the New Year. I was in a middle of Angeles City. I am trying to find the best position to shoot the fireworks. But I couldn’t have a good position. It’s either some establishment or the old, sturdy trees are blocking my view. In my desperation, I gave up and look up and saw a view that I had not expected. I saw numerous stars scattered across the sky. The stunning Milky Way. Their simplicity awed me, almost bringing me to tears. There are some stars which seem to be very new to me. Stars that I didn’t know existed. They sparkle brightly and tirelessly in silence. They are forever. They are so much unlike the fireworks which may be vibrant, intense and loud but they shine only for some moment and turn into dust.

This 2012, I do not have any resolution but to know what are the stars or fireworks in my life. The stars must be more taken care of and appreciated more than the fireworks. The stars may be hidden in the cloud or by the brightness of the sun and never flamboyant with their presence but they are always there for you, unlike the fireworks which are only there when there is something to celebrate on.

Life goes on, yes. You are stronger than you think, yes. But there is one more lesson learned: There are those people who are always there for you and give your crazy life on earth with just a bit more sense. I thank you to all the stars in my life this 2011. Now, it’s time for me to appreciate and give more love to all of you.  And to the people that I love, I’ll continue being your star. I swear that I’ll always be there for you. I might not be the brightest but you can always count on my unbreakable loyalty.

I look outside my window sill today. Though they are less than what I saw yesterday in Angeles City because of the Manila pollution, one thing is important for me:

They are still shining there.

Don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest.

Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon!

Kumusta na po? Iniisip ko kung bakit pa ako sumusulat ng liham sa iyo. Pero naisip ko na bilang isa sa mga “boss” mo, kailangan kita paalalahanan sa mga dapat mong gawin. Ginagamit ko rin ang freedom of speech ko ngayon na bilang anak ng babaeng nagbalik raw ng demokrasya sa Pilipinas, naiintindihan mo ang paggamit ko ngayon sa karapatang iyon. Siyempre, naiintindihan ko rin na mas malaki ang pagkakataon na hindi mo ito mababasa. Ngunit, puede naman sa gitna ng paglalaro mo ng PSP, naumay ka sa paglalaro at biglang maisipan mo mag-Internet. Wala akong PSP pero sigurado akong Wi-Fi ready yan.

Una sa lahat, inaabot ko ang aking pagbati. Ang tayog ng approval ratings mo sa surveys ay maikukumpara sa taas ng PBCom Tower sa Makati. Naipakita mo rin na hindi lang sa hindi mo lang hawak ang ehekutibo. Hawak mo rin sa leeg ang karamihan ng mambabatas sa nakakababang kapulungan. Sa isang pitik, na-impeach nila si Punong Mahistradong Corona. Ang galing lang kasi, hindi na nila kinailangan basahin man lang ang articles of impeachment, na kung tuluyang ma-iimpeach ay malamang sa malamang, hawak mo na pati ang hudikatura. Kung tunay silang patas at nakikinig muna sa mga daing ng mga tao sa kanilang mga sinasakupang distrito, hindi ba dapat ay binasa at pinag-aralan muna nila ang mga dokumento bago bumoto agad? Pero grabe, ang bilis talaga. Sana ganoon kabilis umaksyon ang gobyerno niyo lagi. Kaso kulang sa consistency. Pagdating noong Sendong, nasaan kayo? Sige na, alam kong puma-party ka noong kasagsagan noon pero bakit ilang araw ka pa pumunta para lang magpaabot ng tulong? Hindi rin ito ang unang beses na tila biglang nawawala ka sa eksena samantalang kailangan na kailangan ka. Sa hostage-taking nga mga Tsinong turista sa Luneta, nawawala ka na rin. Salamat sa iyo at mga tauhan mo ay namura tayong lahat ng mga Tsino noong gabing iyon. Isang tao lang, hindi pa kaya talunin ng mga tauhan mo? Ang nakatatawa pa, sinisi mo na naman si ex-PGMA. Ano nga bang bago, kung tutuuisin? Kakandidato ka pa lang ay sinisisi mo na sa kanya ang lahat.

Nabanggit na nga rin si ex-PGMA, pupunta na ako sa susunod kong punto, binabati rin kita sa agaran mong pagpapakulong kay ex-PGMA. Masyadong naging mahaba ang pananatili niya sa puesto bilang pangulo. Marami ring kontrobersya sa panunungkulan niya. Sa loob ng siyam na taon, napakaraming nangyari rin na tila nagpapagod at nagpagalit sa mga tao sa rehimeng Arroyo. Nagamit mo ito para mailuklok ka sa puesto, aminin mo yun. Wala ka naman masyadong maipagmamalaki sa résumé mo. Kaya kung wala ka ng maipagmamalaki, umpisa na para manira ng iba. Noong nagdaang eleksyon, maliban kay Senadora Jamby ay ikaw ang pinakamasigasig sa negative campaigning. Ngayon, suerte mo talaga sapagkat hindi na siya makaaalis, lagi na lang siya nandiyan para masisi mo. Pero anak ng tokwa naman, labingwalong buwan ka na diyan sa puesto mo. Sa labingwalong buwan dapat nakagawa ka na ng mga economic policies at mga reformang sa iyo talaga nagmula. Hanggang ngayon ba ay tila nangangapa ka pa rin sa pagiging pangulo mo? Sana naman ay hindi totoo ang bali-balitang iyon. Kailangan naming ikaw upang maging tunay na pinuno namin. Ang barko ay lulubog kung walang kapitan. Ang eroplano ay babagsak kung walang piloto. Ang sasakyan ay babangga o mahuhulog sa bangin kung walang drayber kahit na sa pinakatuwid na daan pa siya tumatahak. Simple lang naman ang ibig ko ipahiwatig: Kung hindi ka aastang pinuno, ikababagsak yun ng Pilipinas. Sana alam naiintindihan mo kung anong bigat ang responsibilidad mo.

Inuulit ko, kailangan ka namin. Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan mo ang bigat ng posisyon mo subalit kailangan na kailangan ka namin. Kailangan naming ng isang pinuno na talagang tutulong na iangat ang bansang ito sa kahirapan. Hindi lamang sa kahirapan ng salapi o material na bagay pero pati kahirapan sa pagkakaisa, oportunidad at kapayapaan. Napakarami po nating suliranin. Kung talagang nagkasala si dating Pangulong Arroyo, magpapasalamat ako kung mapaparusahan siya. Subalit siguraduhin mo na mabibigyan siya ng patas na paglilitis. Pero huwag mo lalo rin ibaling lahat ng enerhiya mo para lamang sa kanya. Mas alalahanin mo kami sa kanya. Kailangan namin ng mga trabaho, mga tahanan at mga infrastraktura. Kailangan naming ng mataas na ekonomiya na laging mataas ang paglaki dahil ito ang pinakamabilis na paraan para maraming makaangat sa kabuhayan. Kailangan na mahilom na ang sugat ng hindi pagkakaunawaan ng Kristyano sa Muslim, mga hidwaan sa politika at maging ang relasyon natin sa bansang Tsina at iba pa dahil sa Kalaayaan Group of Islands. Kailangan ng mga kabataan ng edukasyon, oportunidad para mailabas lahat ng potensyal nila at kasiguraduhan na maiiwanan pa natin sila ng Pilipinas na may malinis na hangin, malawak na kagubatan at malinis na tubig.

Sa darating na 2012, sana maging mas masigasig at seryoso na tayo sa pagharap at pagresolba sa mga isyung ito. Tama na ang pagsentro lamang sa mga kapwa mo politiko. Sa totoo lang, marami na kaming umay na umay at sukang-suka kakakita ng iskandalo na naman sa politika. Kami naman. Alalahanin mo naman kami, ang mga nasasakupan mo. Ang mga taong tinatawag mong “boss” mo. Bigyan mo kami ng konkretong mga plano. Hindi mga pangmalawakan na mga pangako na baka hindi mo rin naman matutupad. Kung gugustuhin mo talaga, makakaahon ang bansang ito.

Umaasa na mas maunlad na Pilipinas sa pamumuno mo,
Maica Ayuyao

P.S.: Sa totoo lang, wala kaming paki-alam sa love life mo kaya naman ibinibigay namin sa iyo lahat ng privacy na gusto mo diyan. Pero sana’y nawa’y makahanap ka ng babaeng tatanggap sa iyo ng buong puso bilang ikaw at hindi dahil sa titulo mo. Nawa’y di rin siya mahilig mag-twitter kasi madulas lang siya ng onti kung nasaan ka habang may kaguluhan, patay ka sa mga tao lalo na sa mga kritiko mo. Sadyang seloso ang mga mamamayan sa atensyon mo dahil sa totoo lang, sila ang rason kung bakit nandiyan ka sa puesto mo.

The Power is in the People: No, P-NOY, we never forget what you promised us when you said, "Kayo ang boss ko, kaya't hindi maaaring hindi ako makinig sa mga utos ninyo!" So please now go work for us as a real president who has a real vision for our country.

xxx                                                         xxx                                                         xxx

Thank you, Ate Layla Medina, for a blog entry on her thoughts on about this blog. It makes my heart very happy. Go read her blog, too. It’s about those little slices of life on being a law student and other interesting things. Her entries are short but meaningful. We may have different writing styles but the important thing is we write with our hearts. Thank you again, Ate Layla!

Don’t get me wrong. Christmas 2011 is one of the simplest yet one of the best Christmases that I have ever had. I realized who really matters. I appreciated what I have. I felt the love emanating from my family and friends. I made new memories with new friends. I reconnected with old friends. It’s a memorable Christmas for me.

But there is one thing that I hate the most during Christmas besides wrapping gifts and that is those people who are “namamasko.” If you, my dear reader, cannot understand Filipino, I’ll explain the word the best that I could. Namamasko comes from the root word, Pasko, which means Christmas. Additional letters that you see make the word Christmas a verb. However, the big question is, what exactly are you doing if you are acting on the word Christmas?

Sad to say, a lot of Filipinos act on the word to ask money or gifts from another persons in the “spirit of Christmas”.  Some sing Christmas carols. The usual ones like “Ang Pasko ay Sumapit” or “Sa Maybahay ang Aming Bati.” I wish they would sing more new songs because those were the songs I keep on hearing for twenty-three Christmases that I had celebrated. Nonetheless, I liked them way better than those who just knock on our house or our car doing nothing but extending their palms saying “Namamasko po.”

It’s really revolting and nauseating seeing them beg like that especially during the Christmas Eve and on the Christmas Day where the entire family get together—and then someone knocks on the door carrying a kid and ‘namamasko’. It saddens me the most that a lot parents even encourages their children to go from house to house to ask for money for their Noche Buena, or the meal shared when the clock struck twelve during December 25. Some kids were even as young as two years old. Personally, eating something scrumptious for Noche Buena is way too overrated. Actually, in our house, we do not even celebrate Noche Buena until last year. It’s enough that we are together in our house safe and sleeping soundly. We only celebrated in for these past two years because our cousins invites us to their place after hearing in shock that we never had Noche Buena.

Still, this pamamasko mentality gives an important and alarming message. It shows how we view Christmas nowadays which is a time of materiality. We view Christmas now as Santa Claus who gives gifts to us, not the birth of Jesus who died and save all of us. It’s unhappy seeing even those well-off people become very frustrated because the material things that they ask for in their wish list like the new iPhone 4s or Blackberry Curve or new laptop was not given to them. It disgusts me too, seeing some people eat during the Christmas season looking like it’s the first time they are going to eat well in three months. I cannot comprehend how excited they are seeing five times what they are eating in an ordinary dinner in one sitting. They give the excuse that it’s Christmas anyway, a time for merry-making and enjoyment. But must you eat that excessive? Must you compromise your health because it is Christmas season? No wonder health care and funeral services businesses increase during the Christmas to New Year season. Some people literally died of eating during those days.

I do not want to wake up one day when children and adults had already forgotten Jesus as the main cause for Christmas. If only we put Christ in the midst of the Christmas season, we shall understand that all those excessive food, decorations, lights, glitter and presents are unnecessary. Jesus Christ is born in a simple manger without all of those flashy things. However, Mother Mary and Saint Joseph were the happiest persons on earth at that time because they found happiness in what they have. They found that great love with each other knowing that together they faced our savior for the first time. They hardly have anything in them but since they have this great love, they already have quite more than all the riches in the world.

Christmas should be about thanksgiving. The problem with us is we complain before we count our blessings. We may have a lot of failures on our lives for the past year and that’s all we see. However, we fail to see that God sent us angels through our loved ones that help us stand again after our falls. We fail seeing opportunities that He had made but we failed to perceive because we dwell too much time and energy to our failures. We only see what others have but not what we have now.

We are all blessed. That’s a fact.

That’s why we do not need to beg for grace or go namamasko. God gives us all we need. Rather than asking, we need to give. It need not be material but charity work. For example, one could volunteer for packing the goods for the disheartening tragedy in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan City due to typhoon Sendong or Washi. Or one could go caroling or raise funds for the victims’ sakes and not for personal enjoyment. Give. We can never know how much we have until we give.

One more thing before I end this. I do not like hearing people greet each other “Happy Holidays!” This is Christmas, not just any other holidays. Holiday is a way to general term and there are so many holidays we celebrate in a year. Araw ng Kagitingan is a holiday. Andres Bonifacio Day is a holiday. Heck, next year, even Chinese New Year is a holiday. And since they are all holidays, we could greet each other, “Happy Holidays!” on those days, right? Let Christmas shine and become more meaningful in our lives compared to other holidays. After all, this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Let me end this entry from a line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

" And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth." ---Philippians 2:8-10. Thank you Jesus, for saving us!

To start off, let us talk about the breakup of Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion. I find it amazing how much KC can say without revealing anything with her reveal-all interview with the newly crowned Asia’s King of Talk, Boy Abunda. She just cried there ranting on how she accepted Piolo for what he is. He even accepted the fact that he has lovechild with an unknown woman. But what really intrigued as again is Piolo Pascual’s sexual orientation. Their breakup sparked rumors again that Piolo is indeed a gay man. Ludicrously, ABS-CBN quickly released an article that Maricar Reyes may be the one who caused their breakup. Come on, just leave her alone. Wasn’t it enough that she suffered so much with that Hayden Kho sex video scandal? Let’s focus on the real issue here on whether or not Piolo Pascual is gay.

Then again, what if he’s really gay? Would that make him less of an actor? I don’t think that it would really be an issue. Actually, my professors in University of Santo Tomas, the school where Piolo entered into but didn’t graduate, told us that indeed he is a gay man. We were told that he is a drama club freak being a proud member of Teatro Tomasino and in there everyone knows he is gay. But in entering show business, he needed to toughen up and act as a man. Every woman and gay absolutely adored him on the big screen. And who wouldn’t? He appeared to be chiseled to perfection from the purest white marble. His features are wonderfully crafted that you couldn’t see a flaw on any of its form. He is tall, muscular, gorgeous and well, he knows how to sing. He could live in anybody’s fantasy. Surely you wouldn’t waste someone like him to just do gay roles that will not fit him at all.

But you cannot completely hide your true self. There are many sightings of him having delightful moments on the arms of other men, some of which are well known in showbiz. Probably some the news was true but others were just mere allegations which were accepted as gospel truth. Nonetheless, who are we to judge a person? To criticize one who seems like perfect on the eyes of public may seem to be fun but it is still not right.

Moral of the story: Just because he is drop-dead handsome does not mean that he is the man for you. Also, men, whether straight or not, will never change.

Speaking of which, let me move to another issue—DJ Mo Twister’s video. In his infamous video we could see him speaking in monologue about him and the hot, young star, Rhian Ramos and their baby who is about to be aborted at that time. He says that they are in Singapore’s Carlton Hotel and it was about July 2010 and at any time soon he’s going to accompany Rhian to an abortion clinic there and even showed the pregnancy test kit with two lines visible from it. He blamed her family, her management and the Philippine show business for influencing her to make the choice to abort their baby. Nevertheless, he said that he still love Rhian, that’s why he respects and supports her decision to get rid of the baby.

Everyone was definitely too shocked or surprised after seeing the video. Some people were asking me if abortion is a crime. DEFINITELY. There are several types of abortion crimes under the Revised Penal Code under Title 8 (Crimes Against Persons):

Art. 256. Intentional abortion. — Any person who shall intentionally cause an abortion shall suffer:

1. The penalty of reclusion temporal, if he shall use any violence upon the person of the pregnant woman.
2. The penalty of prision mayor if, without using violence, he shall act without the consent of the woman.
3. The penalty of prision correccional in its medium and maximum periods, if the woman shall have consented.

Art. 257. Unintentional abortion. — The penalty of prision correccional in its minimum and medium period shall be imposed upon any person who shall cause an abortion by violence, but unintentionally.

Art. 258. Abortion practiced by the woman herself of by her parents. — The penalty of prision correccional in its medium and maximum periods shall be imposed upon a woman who shall practice abortion upon herself or shall consent that any other person should do so.
Any woman who shall commit this offense to conceal her dishonor, shall suffer the penalty of prision correccional in its minimum and medium periods.
If this crime be committed by the parents of the pregnant woman or either of them, and they act with the consent of said woman for the purpose of concealing her dishonor, the offenders shall suffer the penalty of prision correccional in its medium and maximum periods.

Art. 259. Abortion practiced by a physician or midwife and dispensing of abortives. — The penalties provided in Article 256 shall be imposed in its maximum period, respectively, upon any physician or midwife who, taking advantage of their scientific knowledge or skill, shall cause an abortion or assist in causing the same.
Any pharmacist who, without the proper prescription from a physician, shall dispense any abortive shall suffer arresto mayor and a fine not exceeding 1,000 pesos.

But why is no one filing a crime or at least investigating Rhian Ramos or her parents to find out of that abortion issue is true? Our crime laws are generally territorial. It means that our laws shall only apply on crimes made on the Philippine archipelago. There are several exceptions under Section 2 of the Revised Penal Code; however abortion is not one of them. In Singapore, abortion is legal up to 24 weeks. According to DJ Mo’s twitter account, Rhian was 3 months pregnant when they had the abortion. Thus, she and her parents did not commit any crime. So, yeah.

Anyway, going back to the real issue, I believe that it was really DJ Mo who uploaded the video. His allegation that he just sold his computer with the file in it is unbelievable. He is known for being a techie. He would not have done something stupid like sell his computer like that without even reformatting it. Second, see the timing. The video went viral the day before he set foot to America. Of course, if I had the file, I would have uploaded it way ahead of time to make sure it had enough time to impugn the reputation of Mo and to make things interesting like Rhian Ramos filing a case to him and Mo of course would file for counterclaim. But with the timing like that, only Rhian would lose everything while Mo would find himself free on the other side of the globe. Third, he has all the motive and intent to do that. Remember how many ridiculed him when he posted very emotional tweets about their breakup? He obviously wants the best revenge story which is more dramatic, more intense and more destructive than the movies Kill Bill or Oldboy or Katya Santos’ Keka. Yes, ikaw na talaga Mo!

Blame Game Over: What now?

But then again, those are my theories. Those won’t really weigh much it court. Heh.

But does Rhian have any remedy? According to her camp, yes—under the infamous (to the point na gasgas na) Republic Act 9262 or Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act. Under that said act, a woman could file a case against a man for economic and psychological abuse. Well, indeed she suffered those things. However, to prove without reasonable doubt that Mo is behind this is another story. Another problem would be summoning him back to the Philippines to answer for the charges. Even with extradition treaty with the United States, it would be very tricky to bring him back here.

I extremely pity Rhian Ramos. She is young, beautiful and talented but the spread of her alleged crime made her ugly and fatigued. Assuming the abortion issue is real then the sin of not facing your true responsibility as a parent made you ugly and fatigued at age twenty. I do not know whether she could stand up once again after this issue as GMA Network made her rest and all her projects went straight to Carla Abellana whose acting skills improved. One winner of this issue is Andi Eigenmann who just gave birth to a daughter last November 23. On-line, I saw a lot of people who were against her initially suddenly praise her for facing responsibility for keeping her child even though she’ll have to be a single mother and even though like Rhian, she’s on the peak of her young career.

But who are we to judge them? Who are we to speak ill against any of them? They are humans, too. They err. They sin. They have emotions. Just like every one of us even they are part of our show business. They need respect and understanding more than ever. We, spectators, are not saints to quickly said things about them and judge them over the top.

I’ll end this blog entry with a much neglected crime under the Revised Penal Code:

Art. 364. Intriguing against honor. — The penalty of arresto menor or fine not exceeding 200 pesos shall be imposed for any intrigue which has for its principal purpose to blemish the honor or reputation of a person.

It’s easy to talk harshly, judge without basis and criticize a person’s dignity without any guilt especially if they are part of the show business. But such act is a crime under the Revised Penal Code. You are obviously intriguing another against his honor by passing hurtful things about them. If this law is imposed strictly then I believe that almost all Filipinos would deserve a life sentence in jail. Some may even deserve two life sentences. Remember:  Before you judge, listen. Before you listen, see. That’s why we have two eyes and two ears, cause there are always two sides of every story.

My wife used to always say to me why can’t a woman have the same ambitions as a man, I think you’re right and maybe I learned that much. But by the same token what law is it that says a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? You know a lot of times, think about it. What is it that makes somebody a good parent? You know, it has to do with constancy, it has to with patience, It has to do with listening to them. It has to do with pretending to listen to them when you can’t even listen any more. And it has to do with love, like she was saying. And I don’t know where it is written that says a woman has a corner on that market. That a man has any less of those emotions than a woman does? “

—Ted Kramer, Kramer vs. Kramer

Because of my father’s directive, I watched Kramer vs. Kramer this lazy holiday afternoon. He recommended that film after one breakfast morning at my cousins’ coffee shop, The Freedom of Espresso, while my siblings and I are having our favorite French toasts. I had a copy the film obtained the next day but since I was so busy in school, I did not have time to watch it. Thank God for making Andres Bonifacio’s birthday today.

The film focuses on a couple, Ted and Joanna, and their son, Billy. They were married for eight years until all of the sudden, Joanna bid Ted goodbye. She told her how unhappy she was with the marriage and she’s leaving Billy under his care. Ted had an exceptionally hard time dealing with the abrupt leaving of his wife especially now that his most awaited break is already on his reach. However, Ted found out that more than the difficulty of his job is the difficulty of being a single parent to his son. There are several things that he cannot do for Billy like whipping up his favorite French toast. But eventually the father and son overcame their differences and the two became extremely close. Ted, however, lost focus on his work. That’s the price he paid for making his son a priority over everything else.

Eighteen months later, he received a call from Joanna asking him to meet her. She did not want for her to return as his wife but she did come back to be Billy’s mommy again. And thus the ugly custody court battle began.

I do not want to give many details in the story or who would win in the end. It’s best if one watches the film himself and be the judge on who really deserves Billy’s custody. It’s interesting to know that both Ted and Joanna have their own fault. Ted, on his want to give his family a better life, worked himself to death to have that position in the advertising company. However, in doing so, he forgot to be a husband and a father for five years. On the other hand, Joanna tried to keep up with the life of being a housewife and a mother faithfully all those years. Nevertheless, she felt as if she is the saddest woman in the world because she felt no personal growth in doing those jobs that’s why she decided to abandon both her husband and son for eighteen month. This is something that the court would frown on because it appears that she is not fit to be a mother to Billy anymore.

The plot of the story may be simple yet more than the tear jerking scenes between Billy and his parents; it introduced the modernization of family roles that a mother and father should take. I believe that a husband cannot just confine his wife at home and doing all the chores and counting all responsibilities in raising their children. He is also capable of doing that. A wife also remembers that she is a woman before becoming his spouse. Therefore, she also has personal aspirations that she wants to accomplish other than family life. She wants to be a career woman too. Unfortunately (most especially here on Asia), even after thirty-two years since the release of this film, many husbands still wants to work solely as the breadwinner and let their wives quit their job to be a full-time wife and mother. People also frown down on men raising children on their own. It is perceived that men doing this job will make one lose his “manliness” or whatever society calls that. The movie’s objective is simple: it is to show the viewers that there is no exact and exclusive husband’s role or wife’s role in family relationships. Both must make way for the growth of the family without compromising the dreams and ambitions of another.

Nonetheless, if I would make some amendments in the movie, I would love to bring Billy to the court and make him choose who between Ted and Joanna. Making a child choose would be very heartbreaking, especially to the un-chosen parent. However, what if he didn’t want to choose? What if Billy answered that he wanted to be with both of them and return to their family of three that they had for years. I think the fault of the movie lies on the issue that they did not tackle and that is whether Ted and Joanna could work out their marriage again. I mean, they now understood where their problem is coming from. In the process of the custody battle, they had the chance of speaking in front of the court and each other what made them unhappy or dissatisfied with their marriage. Now that you know the problem, wouldn’t it be easier to talk over the solution? The story did not state what ground did they use in severing their marriage but I hypothesize that it is “irreconcilable differences” as there are no other grounds that I see fitting for their marriage. I do not understand why something is irreconcilable if they did not put effort to reconcile it. The movie would have ended happier had the movie shown that Ted and Joanna tried saving their marriage, which they never did.

Personally, I had issues with this movie. I now have doubts on fulfilling my dream as a litigator specialized in family court cases. I mean it breaks my heart seeing how people bid farewell to their ever after in court after swearing that they would be with each other until death do them apart. Nevertheless, the pain in the former scenario is nothing compared seeing children part with their parents who they also want to live and grow with. Defending the client’s best interest would be a piece of cake but how about the best interest of the child? Who would protect it? Someday, could I really have the heart and guts to witness those scenarios all the time?

But, whatever. You must watch the film. Dustin Hoffman who played Ted and Justin Henry were outstanding father-son tandem on this movie. However, though she have limited scenes, you must really watch out for Meryl Streep as Joanna. Without saying anything, your heart has been carried by the pure emotions of her eyes. Priceless, I tell you.

By the way, for my next assignment, Daddy wants me to watch Al Pacino’s “…and Justice for All.”

"We built a life together. We wake up and have breakfast and I take him to school and then I pick him up after school and we have dinner together and...I read him a bedtime story...I'm not always the perfect father...but I'm there. I'm there." ---Ted Kramer talks about Billy, defending himself in court. One of the dialogues that made me cry.

“And if tomorrow, you’re still just a friend, I’ll stay up till 11:11 again.”
-random quote I read somewhere in the Internet

As a Christian, I believe that everything is best achieved by hard work. However, I do not find it wrong in believing in luck. I do not remember when my love for wishing on 11:11 came about. But really, I wait for it if I could. But often times, I’m happiest wishing when I look at my phone watch spontaneously and I see 11:11. Actually, I still do not get it up to now why one must wish on 11:11. Why not 00:00 or 22:22 or 12:34? Probably, deep inside, one is secretly the favorite number of a person. Everyone wants to become number one that’s why we’re so attracted by it. And 11:11’s symmetry made it even more appealing, do you agree? Today is even more special because the date is November 11, 2011 or 11/11/11. This shall only come once in a century, once in our lives.

Anyway, I’ve made up my 11 wishes for this 11/11:

1.)    Be more efficient this semester. My semester ended well but I slacked off a lot last semester. I really wish that I have more focus with my studies. Bar exams may be on November 2014, but I cannot slack off.  I heard that the first Sunday of the first multiple choice bar exam was nerve-wracking. It’s not only tricky but it according to examinees, time was not enough for them to finish it. God bless them.

2.)    Lose weight. Due to lack of exercise from too much reading or doing activities like watching movies, surfing the net and looking endlessly at the ceiling, I gained weight last semester. I’m already overweight but I do not want a pound more to be added unto me. It’s not healthy living like this. This wish is a bit challenging to be granted as Christmas season is around the corner. I wish I could be disciplined by this.

3.)    New clothes and shoes. From pre-school to college, I entered schools where uniform is required. This is a good thing for me because I do not have much clothes to wear. But now that UE College of Law does not prescribe any uniform, it has been a challenge for me on what to wear to school for a year now.  Every item in my closet is either “I just wore that” or “I cannot wear something like that in school”. Crazy, I know.

4.)    Do something for the environment. I want to do something for the environment that would enable me to help in its preservation. If you know any tree planting activity or something, please invite me.

5.)    Let loose. I actually did that last month with my high school friends. We were so crazy in Music 21. It feels so good that I want to do that again. There’s a lot of worry, grief and heartbreak that I want to remove from my heart.

6.)    Do something charitable. I want to help poor children like give gifts this Christmas. I want to put real smiles on their faces.

7.)    Go to Enchanted Kingdom or Star City. And ride the most adrenaline-pumping rides there. I miss how you go so high that you could touch the sky and go crashing down. After finishing all the rides, it makes you more courageous. I need a lot of courage now.

8.)    Travel abroad. April-May 2005 was the first and last time I leave the country. I want to go places and understand culture and humanity more. I’m ready to go. I just renewed my passport. However, I do not have the money to go anywhere. Miracle, please…

9.)    Go to Philippine beaches. When I was in America in 2005, someone commented, “Oh, so you’re from the Philippines! I’ve heard that you had plenty of good beaches there. You must have been though a lot of them.” But no. I actually swam in one beach back in college but it was actually a very ugly beach. There’s nothing there but lots of jelly fish. Ick. I really want to see Boracay or Caramoan. I want to get in touch with nature’s beauty by going to beaches. My heart also melts seeing the sea and sun even in pictures. Please, someone take me to the beach!

10.) Tell him what I feel about him. And not regret it. My heart is crushed, dying and tormented inside. I now learned that not risking anything is also a big hole inside your heart. I’m ready to face him and tell everything. I hope I shall never regret this.

11.) Meet the man of my dreams very, very soon. I’m more than excited to meet him. I want to embrace him, kiss him and be his compliment all the days of our lives. Please, Lord…I’m not really asking for much but to meet the soul mate you had destined for me. I promise to love, care and understand him all the days of my life.

So, 11/11/11 – 11:11, please be kind to me? Please do not forget to grant my wishes. 

“You are always gonna be my love, even if I fall in love with someone once again. I’ll remember to love, you taught me how.”

—Translation of Utada Hikaru’s “First Love”

It’s a wonder how amidst the difficulty that my heart suffers now because of my second love, I had a chance of talking on-line to my first love.

We all cannot forget our first loves. I met mine quite late in life. We were seventeen then. He’s quiet, unassuming and reserved.  He seems a bit cold for me actually. Our professor then told the class to introduce our seatmates in class and he then turned to me. He broke into a smile, one of the warmest and kindest smiles that I had ever seen. He is definitely not one of the men which I consider handsome but he’s definitely the most charming. After introducing our names and high schools to each other, he told me that he has a girlfriend which made me hear my heart crack a little.

It’s easy to fall in love with him. We sit to each other almost all our days in college. Every day that I learn something from him, the more I like him. Believe me, it feels like a curse. He treats me as a close girl space friend and he is comfortable in telling me everything especially about his ex girl no-space friends. I had no choice but to listen intently and wear a mask every day saying how happy I am for him but how I felt disgusted with myself telling such lie. I cannot tell him anything, not only because I fear losing our friendship but I would have no idea working with him in activities wherein he is my partner or group mate. Thus, every day then, I take a deep breath and whisper to myself, “You can do this, Maica. Just grin and bear it.”

But what made me really like him? Back then, I cannot pinpoint what particular traits in him that I like. What is important to me is that I really, really like him far more than myself or anyone else. However, after a few years of moving on, I see things more clearly. I like him a lot because of how he treats his then girlfriends (he had three ex back in college). He likes giving them surprises. When he looks at them, it’s as if everybody else disappears in the world. He is also proud of them. When he tells me and my classmates about them he is not ashamed in expressing how special they are and how much he loves them. I also like his kindness and his playful mischievousness at times. I like the fact that he always maintains his cool and never gets angry despite pressure. I like how passionate he is with things that he loves like basketball. I love how he intently listens to me whenever I’m too happy or too sad. I like how he treats me like a woman unlike our other guy classmates who treats me as well, one of them. I love his simplicity and pure-heartedness.

I love that I realized that I am capable to love.

I love that I realized that I want someday to love a good man like him who, unlike him, would love me back.

I love that I know myself as a woman in love—which I am the type of woman who would selflessly wish for every day for the happiness of the man he loves even if I am not included in his happiness.

He may not have loved me back, but I know this: Unrequited love is still love. It is the most painful, sorrowful yet it is still a beautiful and pure kind of love. It is the kind of love that excruciatingly learned yet it gave me wisdom on how to love virtuously, without waiting for anything in return. In the end, I am also proud that the experience in loving him unrequitedly showed how strong a person I am because I survived it.

In case you’re wondering, yes I told him in the most unconventional way ever.  I told it to him in front of our classmates during our retreat. That was definitely unplanned and according to one of my guy classmate who was his dorm mate, he was too shocked. He stared into nothingness the whole night according to our classmate. I really am sorry for shocking him like that. Truthfully, I am as shocked as him. Never in my dreams would I do something as crazy as that. It was aching at first especially how he avoided me on the first weeks but in the end, I’m glad that I did that. My complete honesty for him on the last weeks of my college years liberated me.

But, now that I could not recall the pain I felt in loving him before, I could truly say that I moved on. Now, I could only remember the joy he had given me as a very loyal and good friend. In the end, I do not regret knowing him. I do not regret choosing to love him. Because at the end of the day, I could tell myself that I loved a very good man. I’m indeed glad seeing him do what he had planned and is now very independent from him parents. When I talked to him, I felt he never changed and he wished me luck on the path that I have chosen. That makes me very much happy.

Whatever happens or wherever path we may go, I can only have good words for him and would forever be proud that he is my first love.