I just want to say that I am looking for you. Yes, you.
It all started when I was a child. I was in Angeles University one fine summer. My aunt was a dean then by the College of Arts and Sciences. I was just below 100 pounds, below five feet, below almost everything. Baby teeth were still intact. It was also April then and I’m just a few weeks on being an eight-year old. One of the faculty members of the media department there was about to get married.
But I wasn’t amused.
The bride-to-be asked me if I want to get married someday. I said no vehemently but I didn’t supply her with any reason, excuse or whatsoever. I didn’t like the idea of being all-dressed up in thick layers of white lace. It makes me feel itchy and uncomfortable. Also, being pushed around by boys in my school, I can’t think of having a ceremony where in I have to celebrate a life with a boy.
In her own words and as politely as possibly, she told me that someday, I might just eat my words.
And now, I’m overweight with it.
I will tell you now that it wasn’t really easy liking the idea of being with you first. I’m an introvert. I know I could live alone.
Yet now, I seek for you.
Now I’m almost 23 years old who now believes in true love, fate and destiny. I also now believe in you, the one destined just for me. I’m so fervent in giving you my overflowing cup of pure love. I want you to share me all your joys and sorrows. I want to know you more and more everyday. I want to love you more and more each day. Right now, I want to scream happily to the world how much I love you. I want to see you. Now.
I could say that I’m already in pressure while seeking for you. Slowly, I’m having difficulty in identifying classmates from elementary and high school, the girls at least because they are already changing surnames. While they are already starting a family, I remained alone all the days of my life. These are the days in which I am extra pressured while seeking for you. Agitated, irritated and isolated are word hints on what I exactly feel but even if you combined them, it is not enough to describe what I felt.
But now in my desperation, I stopped seeking for you.
Yes, I did. Yet nothing had changed. I’m still madly in love with you.
But not yet, my love. Give me more time. I want to give you everything I have. I want to share my best but for now, I just couldn’t. You’re not the one who completes me, you compliment me and vice versa. But for now, I am not yet a complete woman for you. I’m not yet succinct. I’m still trying to figure more things for my self. I am still not my own best friend. There is also school and with school I’m still pretty much chained with my parents.
I’m now asking you for forgiveness because I’m still a coward. I’m still weak. I cannot fight for you yet. Also, everyday, I’m trying to have longer patience and I’m building up understanding to people. I’m not doing this for myself but for you. I understand that we’re not perfect. We would commit mistakes in the future. We might hurt each other once in a while. We might argue. But still, I definitely do not want to fight with you.
I trust you wholeheartedly. You might be surprised how trusting I could be. I trust like a child and anything you would tell me would be my truth. But please, do not take advantage with me by this and besides, I’ll know it right away because I’m smarter than you think. I’m giving you fair warning. Nevertheless, I want you to be completely honest with me. I wouldn’t care about your imperfections, actually. From the time you were born, I already accepted you just the way you are. Please do not lie to me. Trusting me is one of the greatest matters a person could give me.
But for now, trust the love that I’m giving to you now. On the days that you are alone, always remember that I am praying for you. On the days that you feel forgotten, I am already cherishing the happy memories that we are celebrating together. On the days that you feel down, remember than I am the full moon that leads you home, the wind that cheers you to do your best and the waves that reaches for you.On the days you feel brokenhearted, remember that I feel that pain too now, because our hearts are already connected. I feel you now especially when my heart suddenly skipped a beat or when my eyes suddenly flowed with tears.
Trust on my love even if it isn’t concrete yet and even if you are not sure with my identity yet. But still, I want you to know that I just couldn’t wait on starting a lifetime with you. I want to talk to you in the afternoon up to dawn nonstop. I want to laugh with you uncontrollably until we cry because of joy. I want to make love to you in the afternoon. Like Leonardo da Vinci, I see people at their most beautiful in the afternoon. I want to consummate my love to you in full splendor, seeing you in totality and blessed by our parents and by God. I want to have children with you. I want to raise them like you who had a big heart. I want to grow old being crazy still every day with you just seeing your smile. I want to be your greatest joy. I want to walk forever with you.
But for now, I would dream with you tonight. And keep in mind that every day we are walking towards our fate that we shall be together finally.
I just love you more than words can say. And I hope someday, you’ll read this letter to me aloud.