Ending the Beginning

Today, May 21, 2011, the whole world laughed or sighed out of relief that the world did not come to an end. It did not make any sense anyway as Revelation 16:15 says that it would come like a thief. Obviously, now one in this world knows when or where he would be thieved. In talks about end of the world just let go and let God. Only He knows when our time would come and nobody, not even the angels, knows about it. But whatever happens, always be ready to face our end. We’ll all die sooner or later anyway.

Frankly, I did not care much about this day anyway. I have way too much things to do today because of my 9-hour Saturday class. All the subjects are wrapping up today and truthfully, I didn’t study much. My uncle died last Thursday which was more of a relief for me and his immediate family because we couldn’t bear seeing him battle helplessly against cancer. Anyway, life went on for me today and before I knew it, I was already at the bus stop heading for home.

I thought that it would be a very peaceful night so I even attempted to write poetry on the bus. However, I couldn’t do it so. That bus driver was one of the leeches of this society. His driving skills were extraordinary. The feeling was you were sitting down inside the MRT and the tracks were of slithering snakes in the wild. There was a point wherein I was thinking that I might see myself in the next minute being carried on a stretcher because of serious physical injuries no thanks to that driver. And then it struck me—what if the world, or at least my world, would end today?

Perceiving and understanding that you were about to die is actually harder than I thought. There were little things in life that you would begin wondering about like if you die now, how would you returned the books you’ve borrowed. You would then forever wonder how Glee Season 2 would end and if Lauren Alaina wins American Idol next week. Then, you would contemplate on your final examinations next week because you would be curious on how you’d fare on happy-times-turned-spent-on-studying-times instead of maximizing the fun and bum moments this summer. After that you would think on all your friends whom you promised to meet after your exams. The stories and gossips that you were dying to tell them now would all be buried with you in your grave in case you die today. Then you think about your family on how you’ll disappoint and sadden them.  You would think about your brother and how he always exclaims on how fat you are but likes lying on your tummy when he has time. You would miss that and miss the moment wherein you’d see him happily announcing you that he passed his college entrance examination. Then you would remember your sister who would also be graduating next year. You feel that you already miss her now because of how dead tired she is every day from on-the-job training because you hardly talk. Subsequently, you would recall your parents. Their dreams for you to have a prosperous and rewarding future as a practicing lawyer would be futile. Your wishes for them like treating them to an out of the country trip would likewise be futile.

And eventually you would think about yourself.

Twenty-three years and thirteen days. It was such a long time for me yet my existence is nothing mere like a match spark on the span of Earth’s existence. Did I really prove anything on this world?

I want more time and I need more time.

In those moments that you feel like dying, you would see that not much excitement had happened in your life. You were born and then you lived like an infant then a toddler child. After that, you see yourself as a four-year old fetched by the school bus driver to a nearby school from your newly-built house. Since I was four, I never looked back. I studied pre-school, elementary, high school, college and now I’m in law school. Nonetheless, not much had changed. Your parents are still pretty much the same when you were four and now that you’re twenty-three. They are consistent on protecting you and asking ninety-percent of time about school.

What am I doing?

Eventually, I’d thought of my ultimate dream. I’m guessing that you’re thinking that I want to be one of the well-known lawyer or a judge or pretty much a rich person. Those choices are partly true. However, what I want to be really in the future is to become a very good mother.

Yes, indeed.

Hence my lawyering plan is just a part of my master plan on being a very good mother someday. I want to be an independent superwoman who is pretty much respected in the society, an advocate for change yet at home I could just be myself with my children. I want to raise them with values, help them do their home works or maybe have fun doing stuffs with them in the kitchen. Of course, I’ll be a wonderful wife first to their father whom I’ll support and love in every single way possible.  I would love him enough for me to have great sex with only him every day. I’ll probably be more inspired doing things I love more on this world because of him but once we have our children, he has to bear with me on loving them more than I love him. I want my children to be proud of me and always be thankful to have me as their mother.

I just love children. Their laughter is water to my soul. Actually, I really want to become a preschool teacher now weren’t it because of the time constraints of law school. If ever my first plan on having a family of my own won’t materialize on the future, I’ll probably open a foundation for children—perhaps those children who are cancer-stricken. I’ll also devote my life as a family lawyer. I’ll find children on orphanage their rightful parents who would love to adopt them and have free arbitration sessions with couples who have children so that they won’t push themselves to annulment as the children would be the ones severely hurt. I just can’t bear seeing broken families. It breaks my heart, too.

It amazes me how that tough ride with that bus driver made me come up with an idea on how I would continue forth in life. Now that I learned how to die, I want to live more. 😀

Don't let you worries on End of the World ruin your moments here on Earth.

5 thoughts on “Ending the Beginning

  1. Very moving post. Just thought though…why are you going through law school instead of training to be a teacher, if that is what you really want to do?

    1. Thank you for such kind words. 🙂
      I really want to become a lawyer since I was a child. However, after graduating fro my pre-law course, I developed an urge to become a preschool teacher, too. I asked permission from my father if I could at least have preschool teaching as my part-time job and he said no because I have to concentrate on one thing which is law and I obeyed. Maybe someday I could make this dream come true still after passing my bar exams. 🙂

  2. Obviously your situation isn’t different to mine so I don’t want to offend you. However, one thing that I have learned is that my life is my own and that, whilst others might have valuable insight and wisdom, ultimately only I really know what’s the best course of action for me. If you really don’t want to be lawyer and really want to be preschool teacher, I would suggest that it might be a waste of your time and money continuing to study law. Having said that, your father is right in that whatever you choose, you should focus on it wholeheartedly, especially if you choose something which he doesn’t like. I know exactly what it’s like to have to choose between what you want to do and what someone else wants you to do (for whatever reason).

    1. I never said that I didn’t like to be a lawyer. In fact I do though it tires me nowadays because of the fact that I’m tired of studying non-stop since I was four years old. Not only that, I’m tired of my life is seemingly stagnant all these years. I want to explore what else I can do in this world. I want to teach children, help in organization and get crazy with life. However, now that I’m 23 I feel that I just cannot do that. I’m still bound by parental support and though by law, I’ve been emancipated since I was 18, reality shows that I’m not yet emancipated because I’m still under their great control. I want law but I also want freedom. But obviously, I can only choose one and hence, I chose law. 🙂

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