It’s nice to look back before I go forward.
2012. Wow. This time about, a year ago, I was so lost but I could not really explain why to anyone. I’m too stubborn to accept what I feel. I’m too hurt to find words to express my feelings. I’m too lost to find anyone to talk to. A few days after, I find myself budgeting time between school work and the hospital. My sister is suddenly confined because of dengue. I hardly had focus on anything. I fall down from everything—the overpass, the bathtub and even on straight surface. I was black and blue because of bruises both figuratively and literally.
I am nothing but a mess.
The next months were bipolar. There are days wherein there is nothing but happiness. There are days where I feel apathetic about everything. There are days where I could just kill, holler and break things had it been legal. There are days where I could just bow my head down and weep while all alone going home from the bus ride. There are days where I feel so good that I’m ready to die. There are days where I feel so low, misunderstood, lonely and ugly that I want to die.
2011 was not a great year for me but it taught me one important lesson: Life goes on.
Life goes on. You might be forgotten by some friends but you will eventually gain some more. You might lose so much energy and experience so much pain over a broken heart but the world shall not stop for you. You still have work to finish, cases to read and things to do that only you will be able to do. Life shall not stop for you. If you’re bruised, stand up and keep on walking. Take that first step and you might be surprised that you’re already on your one-thousandth. Life goes on because you are stronger than you think. I hoped despite depression. I learned to be brave and smile to everyone though my heart aches. I continued to love despite the pain.
Of course, there are some people that I have to thank along the way. I thank my family because even if you make me crazy, life without you is even crazier. I thank my high school and college friends for our friendship that stands up to now where we are all driven like crazy with adulthood problems. I thank my warriors and amazons people for being good friends to me and being my partners-in-crime. But I give this one special thank you to God. I know He’s always there for me but I thank Him more especially for this year for the little miracles and people who are actually angels in disguise who helped me cope up.
Let’s go fast forward to few minutes before the New Year. I was in a middle of Angeles City. I am trying to find the best position to shoot the fireworks. But I couldn’t have a good position. It’s either some establishment or the old, sturdy trees are blocking my view. In my desperation, I gave up and look up and saw a view that I had not expected. I saw numerous stars scattered across the sky. The stunning Milky Way. Their simplicity awed me, almost bringing me to tears. There are some stars which seem to be very new to me. Stars that I didn’t know existed. They sparkle brightly and tirelessly in silence. They are forever. They are so much unlike the fireworks which may be vibrant, intense and loud but they shine only for some moment and turn into dust.
This 2012, I do not have any resolution but to know what are the stars or fireworks in my life. The stars must be more taken care of and appreciated more than the fireworks. The stars may be hidden in the cloud or by the brightness of the sun and never flamboyant with their presence but they are always there for you, unlike the fireworks which are only there when there is something to celebrate on.
Life goes on, yes. You are stronger than you think, yes. But there is one more lesson learned: There are those people who are always there for you and give your crazy life on earth with just a bit more sense. I thank you to all the stars in my life this 2011. Now, it’s time for me to appreciate and give more love to all of you. And to the people that I love, I’ll continue being your star. I swear that I’ll always be there for you. I might not be the brightest but you can always count on my unbreakable loyalty.
I look outside my window sill today. Though they are less than what I saw yesterday in Angeles City because of the Manila pollution, one thing is important for me:
They are still shining there.