Tag Archives: love

Heart to Heart: My Open Letter to the Single People this Valentine’s Day

LOVE. A simple, one-syllable and four-letter word had a multitude of meanings for all of us. It seems like a word of abstractions yet we could all attest how real and how solid it feels to all of us. We also have many stories about love. There are stories that have some with passion and happy endings. There are stories about getting back together. There are stories with bitterness and pain. There are stories who mistook it for obsession or complete submission.

And then here comes Valentine’s Day.

What actually dreaded me is that after Chinese New Year, single people started posting on how sad and sappy they will be on Valentine’s Day. Others curse that day. Others are just overemphasizing that Valentine’s Day will just be an ordinary date in their calendar. In short, bitterness overloads.

Photo credits from: http://rubyanjel.tumblr.com
Looks familiar?

For the love of God, just stop this.

I understand where the bitterness is coming from. Again you will go on thinking what the hell is wrong with you being so alone amidst the couples whispering sweet nothings, the bouquets and the red hearts on the street. There are questions on whether you are unattractive or not. You would also have that hatred in your past love or how show-off these happy couples are in social media. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to your poor self-esteem.

English writer, John Lyly, famously said these words, “All is fair in love and war.” True, there are some girls who have countless of admirers because of their beauty and there are also some guys which the girls dream about because of how handsome they are. However, that is not love. Probably, it is some sort of sexual appeal or lust. The best love stories do not origin from the most attractive persons. In fact, there are a lot of stories on divorce or annulment of marriages from our celebrities. If having a beautiful face or an attractive body is what you think the key to an everlasting love, then please do think again. Also, I know of someone who is not attractive at all by at least in my country’s standard. He is dark-skinned and a short man. However, he has a fantastic sense of humor and he seemed to be kind to all. Then we discovered that he have six kids from six different women. I can’t really react after hearing that especially because he is my friend.

Then, what is the key to love? I honestly do not know. If it would all boil down to attitude, I really do not understand why men love bitches and women love jerks. If it would boil down to one’s wealth, why do I hear polygamous relationship among the poor? I really do not know what makes one, well, loveable. All I know is that love is the most powerful force in the world. It transcends age, race, religion and anything else under the sun.

Thus, there is no reason to be bitter. I know that in one point of our lives, love will come, as long as we will be true to ourselves and will leave an open heart for it. But in the meantime, can’t we be happy for the people in love? In this great vast world, having someone who will love you for you is a miracle. It is something worth celebrating. And also, just like you, my single friend, they were also once single people, but look how love changes them.

In the meantime, love yourself first. If you cannot do that, what are the chances that someone else will love you first? Engage in activities. Meet new people. Make yourself a better person every single day. And who knows, maybe by April, you will be some love-struck idiot who can’t wait for next year’s Valentine’s Day.

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My Five Guidelines for a Happier Year

Happy 2014, everyone! Sorry this greeting and post are weeks late.  Life has been complicated for me this 2014 and this is just the thirtieth day.

How are your resolutions going? This year, I did not make any concrete resolutions, only guidelines. Nonetheless, I am sharing these because I believe that it is beneficial for everybody. Also, tomorrow is Chinese New Year. I do not consider myself as Chinoy or Chinese-Filipino though I have Chinese blood. Then again, this is a great day to do some changes in your life.

 

WHAT WE DO EVERY DAY MATTERS MORE THAN WE DO EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE

Face it. We think that our lives are a bore or some people live better lives than ours. This is especially true now when a lot of us record happy aspects of our lives in the social networks. But you see, those are the highlights of our lives. We do not usually post things that make us upset or our argument with our parents or our significant other or days where we practically did not do anything special at all.

That’s why if you’re a law student or medical student or taking up other courses which requires a long period of staying in school and feel that you are missing out so much in your lives, stop feeling that way. “Living to the fullest” does not mean frequent travels or having romantic relationships or giving in to that pressure of having a family by mid-twenties. Living to the fullest is giving your best every day in the path you choose so that someday you will be able to fully share the world your purpose. Besides, you can never be overdressed or over-educated.

Then again, it doesn’t hurt to reward yourself every once in a while. There is a time for everything. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 reminds us that,

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Well, of course, we could all agree that vanity is a sin. I seriously started giving in to makeup and skincare products on about the last quarter of 2012. I’m practically broke every single week because I spend them mostly in Korean beauty products. I also do not return the changes in the bills of my parents because I malverse them as extra money for the said products. Yes, do not dare do this, ladies. The rule of thumb is act your wage or in my case, act according to my allowance.

I’m wiser now. I do not buy new makeup until I almost fully consumed it. I also stopped shopping for skincare products and this act rewarded me. When I went back to the simple cleanse-tone-moisturize routine, my skin became visibly healthier. I hardly had any new zits.

Yes, I will still continue in investing myself. After all, I only have one body and I need to maintain my health because I have so many dreams to concretize. By the way, this is the year I’ve been waiting for all of my life. I’ll take the bar this year. Nevertheless, I will keep it simpler this year. Cleanse-Tone-Moisturize. Add some makeup. Do not forget some sun protection to prevent wrinkles. That’s it. Also, do not forget…

 

MEDIA CALL US UGLY TO SELL US SOME SHIT

There are so many ways of media that tells us we are not pretty and that we are not good enough. They tell petite people to wear higher heels. They make fun of every acne and scars we have. They convince everyone that they are fat by keeping their models unhealthily thin. They also tell us that we do not have enough clothes, shoes and makeup. But the truth and in fact, every one of us is made uniquely beautiful in our own ways. We do not need any validation from others. Feel free to express yourself. Do not wear shoes and clothes that do not feel comfortable to you.

You do not need to be in the trend. You just have to be you.

 

LISTEN TO OTHERS…AND DO NOT FORGET TO LISTEN TO YOUR OWN WORDS, TOO.

True, the ‘selfie’ generation had become a part of us. I love how it made some people in a way empowered to face the camera and share a part of them in the world. Honestly, this wasn’t easy for me in puberty years and pretty much the whole high school. I have looked at myself as a very, very, very ugly person. I hardly look at the mirror and when a person brings a camera with them, I immediately volunteer myself to take the picture. That is how disgusted I am with myself.

However, this ‘selfie’ generation also made some people too self-centered. I hate people who always begin speaking with “I” and end their paragraphs with “me”. Sometimes, I hate reunions or meet ups with some people I know who are so self-centered. They often complained about how stressing their work are, how their bosses bully them, how their co-workers gang up on them, how their family suck and basically how they play as the victim to every aspect of their lives. It’s almost they are implying that the people who are listening to them have no problems of their own. On the other hand, if we are not talking about how life ‘victimizes’ them, they are starting to badmouth some people we know and often gossip on their matters which details they do not know firsthand themselves.

I admit that sometimes I am guilty of saying those things, too. And when I started hearing myself saying nothing but complaints about my life or badmouthing some persons, I know that something is so wrong with me. It’s either I am tired of my life or I am very insecure or jealous of some people I know. That’s why I learned to listen to myself in order to assess the person I am becoming into. Always reassess your words to reassess the person that you are evolving into.

No matter how hurt you are, do not turn into a person you hate.

Always remember the wise words of my favorite Chinese philosopher, Lao Tze:

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habit.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

 

WHEN YOU ARE LOST, REMEMBER YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS

It’s generally easier being a child. We have adults to take care of our money and ourselves. We have our innocence to easily identify the right from wrong. We are beginning our lives that is why it is easy to build a dream.

However, when adulthood creeps in, we realize that the world is not that huge playground that we first thought it was. We get frustrated. We are told we are not good enough. We are told that we are not talented enough or smart enough. Then, we just see ourselves just battling every day to exist and not anymore to live.

I am not saying that you cannot change your dreams. You can. But the beauty of childhood dreams is that they give a mission and vision right away in our heads because back then our innocence is there and our intention for the world is always pure and good. For example, a lot of children want to be a doctor in order to help people. Maybe you have thought that you are not suited to become a doctor but the reason why you feel so empty now is because you are spending everything you own to yourself and not in helping people which you initially perceived as you mission here on earth. Or as a child, you could dream that you want to become rich in order to buy a house for your parents because you were living on the streets before. But now that you achieve your dream to be materially rich, where are your parents? Did you fulfill your promise or are you wasting your life in vices and practically isolating yourself from everyone you know?

When I want to give up on law, I remember my first year high school math teacher who defended me from the person who bullied me. I always thought that for thirteen years, I’ve been battling my bullies alone. It feels so good to be defended by someone that is why when I grow up I will do everything in my power to protect the suppressed through the power of their rights vested in them. Unfortunately, my math teacher died in 2012 at a tender age of thirty-five because of esophageal cancer. But I will offer to him my license to practice law as soon as I get it next year.

 

Well, there you have it. Have a great 2014 and life ahead. Feel free to share some life guidelines to me as well!

ggg
Sky Lanterns. I edited this photo of mine in an App called Moment Cam and used it to greet my Chinese-Filipino best friend a Happy Chinese New Year. It turns out that the Chinese do not make Sky Lanterns fly in their new year; there is a separate festival for that. Nonetheless, I am always fascinated with sky lanterns (as if it is not obvious in my blog’s name). It reminds us that in letting go, beautiful things are coming ahead of us. That is why, let go of all the heartaches, the past, the what ifs and embrace the life’s surprises coming for us. 🙂

Some Things are Meant to Be

Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.

—Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley. The Theme Song of my Parent’s Wedding

My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary last July 11, 2012. People who are fairly close to me knows that my parents married relatively late in their lives. When they got married, my father was 37 years old and my mother was 32 years old. No, they were not actually long-time boyfriend and girlfriend. Their love story could be compressed in just one year. They met on May 1986 and a month after, they are on the boyfriend-girlfriend stage. One month after that, my father proposed to my mother already but she asked her to give her a year.

Actually, they got married on May 2 or 3 of 1986 in the Regional Trial Court. Why were they unsure with the date? It’s because according to them “nothing happened” that day. They just went to the Court, their marriage solemnized by a judge, signed papers and ate halo-halo afterwards and went to their respective homes. My father told me that they swear that they did not have any pre-marital sex until they got married under the grace of God. See, I have the most old school parents in the world which makes them even more precious than all the gems in the world. Anyway, the best thing about their marriage is that about two years since they first saw each other, I was born and completed their dream. Yes, I claim that. Having my sister and brother born after me were just extra blessings in their life.

I really do not understand what made them drawn with each other. They hardly have anything in common. My father is a big sports fan; my mother, like me, despises all the sports created in the world. My father, like me, sucks big time in Mathematics; my mother is great in it and is actually a certified public accountant. My father likes reading the news and opinion part of the newspaper; my mother mostly cares on the entertainment page. Basically, their interests in life could hardly strike any conversation between them. However, love doesn’t work on similarities alone.

25 Years Ago: The Wedding of the “Old” Couple

While we are living in a world where everybody is crazy about the story of first loves and teenage romance, we are forgetting the beauty of mature love.  They may have married late but there are no regrets on their part. My father even commented once that it was all good meeting my mother on the part of his life when he learned patience. My mother could really be stubborn at times. He said that if he met her earlier in his life, they would probably be fighting all the time because he could not have tolerated her. For being married late in life, they did everything they wanted during their single life. Both of them became working students in achieving their post-graduate degrees. Both of them travelled to places and established good career. That is the reason they were pretty much prepared to embrace family life when they got married. They understood sacrifice, saving up for their family’s future and understanding each other oddities and shortcomings. Speaking of saving, do you know that they usually buy items for themselves only if those items are on sale especially my dad? Also, they occasionally watch movies or concerts together but they only watch it buying the cheapest tickets. Yup, they never stepped beyond the General Admissions arc in Smart Araneta Coliseum if only the two of them were watching a show. And that is to think that they earn their own money and have savings of their own. It’s kind of happy and sad knowing that fact. They really put aside money for our education and needs that sometimes they forget themselves. For now, I swear that I’d really return their kindness once I start working as a lawyer on 2015.

This July 11, they were just blessed with the priest in FEU Hospital before the mass ended. No, they do not want to renew their vows yet because my siblings and I were still studying and they do not want additional expenses but they planned on renewing it probably on their 30th year. We had a lovely meal in City Buffet in SM Fairview afterwards. It was a very simple day having some relatives and the priest and his companions eating, laughing and reminiscing about how blissful and blessed those silver years of love and companionship. It was a simple day but I kept it in my heart. If having a married life is the vocation that God will put me in the future, I would probably celebrate it as simply as they did that day because it is lighter yet more heartfelt. That afternoon, I actually saw that glow of happiness between them as they look at each other occasionally amidst our meal. It was purely magic.

So that is the love story of my parents. There is no story in it about childhood first love, or one getting into amnesia but still had fallen again to another, or there is no choosing between life and death situation, or neither it is a Romeo and Juliet scenarios where their entire family and people are against each other. Their story could be summed up in one sentence that my father uttered before we prayed the rosary during the night before their anniversary day, “The twenty-five years happened so fast.” Albert Einstein once explained to humanity that time is relative. When one is having a great time, time really does seem to go really fast. And of course, we now know what it all means in my parents’ love story.

After 25 Years: Still very much in love and very much handsome and beautiful.

“Take my hand, take my whole life, too. For I can’t help falling in love with you…

 

May God always bless and keep them for the happy decades to come in our lives.

xxx                 xxx               xxx

Please read my sister’s tribute for them, too!

The Entire Truth

I’m so sorry for not writing as much as I’m supposed to.

I want to say I’m busy. That’s true, but that’s not entirely true. It’s true that I have summer classes, but I have three weeks off last April. But, besides writing that previous article on how I took pleasure in mocking the North Koreans, I could not write anymore. But that is not entirely true. I did tried writing with quite a number of times but I could not finish it. I can’t finish just one freaking article. Now, that’s true but I have no explanation why.

I want to rant now on how frustrated I am on not having a single vacation this summer season, nevertheless, I’m just too tired now. My summer class will end Saturday of next week and my regular semester will begin on the fourth of June. I just feel so tired. I want to say that I’m tired this summer studying three law subjects namely Special Proceedings, Special Penal Laws and Legal and Judicial Forms but again, that statement is just partly true. True, that my Special Proceedings class is such a pain in the neck as my professor assign at least twenty-five cases per meeting, there are some cases in Special Penal Laws and Legal and Judicial Forms have these occasional very long home works.  However, it is also true that I go to class without reading anything. Good grief, I’m so blessed with luck in Special Proceedings. Never mind the two other classes for they are pressure-less. But Special Proceedings is a different case. However, whenever I did not read a thing, I’m not called at all. I’m never close to being called. See, I cannot rant at all.

I want to say I’m happy now, but again, it is not entirely true. True, I conquered my fear by finally telling him how I really feel about him. It’s something that I really want to do for more than a year now. I just thought that maybe the feeling is just like the feeling I had after finally convincing myself on riding that infamous Space Shuttle ride in Enchanted Kingdom. In my mind at the long queue of people in the line of Space Shuttle, “It would be nothing. It’s finished in fifty-six seconds.” Yes, confessing your feelings did take just about fifty-six seconds but it’s a little different after riding the Space Shuttle. In Space Shuttle, there is no “yes or no” for there is only go. In confessing your feelings, you await that answer. Will he reject you or will he say that he feels the same? Will he thank you and say that he loves another or will he just look at you in silence? The man I love, being a twisted and complicated yet still loved by me creature that he is, gave an answer I practically did not expect at all in my more than a year of thinking on how he would react. He answered that it’s like a yes but with something ridiculous that makes it kind of no but definitely he did not answer it with a maybe. God, why did you let me fall in love with a confusing man? But God, I want you to know that I still love him. God, I want to see him but probably we’re both not yet ready to face each other again. In Korean dramas, this is the point wherein the main girl and boy will not see each other for two years so that they could focus on their career and think if they are really meant for each other. I do not know what the hell is with two years but believe me, it has been three weeks but it feels painful. Can I really wait for two years so that I could see him again? By that time, I’m midway on my review for bar exams! But wait…what am I talking about? We are not Koreans in the first place! Anyway, that single moment of courage is the best birthday gift I had given myself. I ended the last couple of weeks of my life as twenty-three years old finally free. Even if I miss him, I cry considerably less now at night compared to when I was pondering on whether I’ll tell him or not. I sleep longer and more soundly now. In fact, ever since I told him my feelings, I never remembered a single dream that I have at night which is probably a good thing. I’ve read that there is a psychological finding that you are most likely to remember your dream when you are depressed. Perhaps, I’m no longer depressed? And yes, thank you so much for very supportive friends. Now, don’t get me started with them. That is why, I want to say I am unhappy but that is not entirely true. A part of me is truly happy.

So now I want to say that I want to restart my life. That is true yet impossible. They said that when you are nearing the end, that’s the part where you are most likely to give up. I might seem losing passion with law studies at this point but it is like a crime to give up now. But what I can do is to reorganize. I need to throw what is no longer essential, keep what is needed and also set aside things which I must do but is still impossible now at this time.  I also need to settle the unholy trinity—my brain, my heart and my soul. They are not in synch in almost every single way. So yes, I’m restarting my life in a way that I was when I was studying law—someone filled with hopes, dreams and passion. That’s how I started things so that’s how it will end. So I feel like I’m restarting my life but in fact I’m just restoring myself on how I should really be.

Yes, I should write more. That’s how it supposed to and that’s how it shall be. 🙂

 

Strawberry Wishes. If I could recall things correctly, the last time I had cake on my birthday was back in grade school. It’s amazing that I received FOUR cakes on my 24th birthday and I get to blow two of them—both strawberry flavored. It may be a sign of good things to come. Happy Birthday to me. 🙂

Before I forgot, I thank my sister Lea, for creating a blog entry about me and our relationship as sisters as a birthday gift (besides that Strawberry Cake above). Thank you, my dearest sister! I love you a lot. 🙂

Eleven Hints for Life

This is the “Eleven Hints for Life”. It’s my first time to post something that was not written by me, but I believe that we shall all learn something from this. Maybe when I become a better and more mature person, I shall be able to write my own version of this. But maybe I’ll limit it to eight. In enumerations, I usually could remember ten items because each item is represented by my fingers. Nonetheless, I decided to limit it to eight because eight is my favorite number and turn it 90 degrees, you would get the infinity sign. I believe that what we really learn about in life is what makes us eternal, infinite.

We only have one shot in life. We must make the most out of this. Anyway, if you ask me on what is my favorite among the lessons below, I have to say that I agree with the eleventh. I want to make my loved ones happy that if I die, they will cry both happy and sad tears. I want them to reminisce my weird humor,  happy disposition in life and my playful nature. I want them to miss me because I’ve made them truly happy in a way that no one else can. The legacy that I want to leave in this world is definitely, love.

The author is unfortunately, unknown. Nevertheless, I thank you, whoever you are, for giving me that spark of inspiration to live more in my life.

 

  1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
  2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
  3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
  4. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
  5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
  6. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
  7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
  8. Always put yourself in the other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
  9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.
  10. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
  11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

The Unannounced Letter

Dearest You,

Hey. It’s been a while since I last saw you. How are you? It’s actually not a long time as we saw each other early this March but for me it already feels like a long year. One day, three autumns—that’s what a Chinese proverb says. It means that when you truly miss someone, a day without him feels like three years. Well, of course, that’s an exaggeration but it still feels like a very long time.

Then again, do you miss me?

It pains me being last on your list when you’re my first thought I have in the morning and you’re my prayer at night. I hate this feeling. I could just easily move on and obsessed in another guy. I’m sure there are still some single guys who are taller than you or perhaps more athletic or better looking.

Nonetheless, they are not you. In my heart and mind, no one can defy you. You are my both my strength and my weakness. The person who pushes me forward whenever I want to give up yet you are also the person I worry more than myself. You are the one who fill me up with joy yet you also unwittingly create a hole in my heart whenever I do not get a message from you in a day.

But still you do not know about it.

You know, I like you so much that even your kindness hurt me sometimes.

I’m tired of hiding and suppressing my feelings inside. My friend, if it is not meant  to be, it shall not be. But somehow, that’s the fact that I fully understand yet still cannot bear.  It’s really hard finding a friend like you—dependable, honest and true—that it is hard to tell you the truth because I fear that you might not want to be a friend of mine anymore. It’s like a curse because you are protecting something precious that hurts you as well.

If one day, I finally told you my feelings and afterwards, you get to read this letter. Please remember that wherever I may be, you would always have a place in my heart. You shall be a part of every smile I bring to this world. You shall always be my favorite dream. Always remember that you are a very wonderful and compassionate person who is worth loving.

Whatever happens to our relationship as individuals, I’ll always thank God that I He made me fall in love deeply and purely with a person beyond amazing like you.

Love,

Me

When in doubt, Love.

“When you meet the other half of your soul, you will know in a flash why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else until now and be grateful to all those who rejected you and let you go. You will see each one of them was an angel guiding you in the right direction. Take that view point now and be at peace.”

—Jackson Kiddard

Valentines’ Day would be tomorrow. Yes, I am single—I do not need a day to remind me that. In the meantime, I could say I’m used to being single yet uncomfortable about it. Who wouldn’t be when you spent all your life being nobody’s official girl? It’s not that I am complaining about it. I believe that God will provide me a life partner on the right time if I’m really destined to get married. However, frankly, I’m getting tired of waiting at times and Valentine’s Day really pressures me.

Nonetheless, it’s just one day in a year, it will easily pass. For me, it will be an ordinary four hours class day in school. Probably, I’ll wear green or violet but not red. I’m guessing that I’ll have some absent classmates because they have their respective dates. Maybe there would be a lot of paper hearts everywhere, lots of unending love themed love songs on the radio, chocolates, stuffed toys and promises that day. I’m sure that I’ll see happy couples holding hands while walking on the streets with matching shirts. Perhaps, there would be a lot of proposals and mass weddings on the news tomorrow. I’m not expecting anything new tomorrow. I’ve seen twenty-two Valentine’s Day and believe me, I am not expecting it to be different with my twenty-third Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

But still, I hope for that one Valentine’s Day that would make the difference.

I’m never against the celebration of romantic love. It’s probably the strongest feeling that one could feel in a lifetime. It’s something intense, wonderful and crucial feeling where in you place all your hopes and dreams on one person who loves you. Suddenly, all the things on your Bucket list shortened into one wish: to be with that person forever. You want that person to be happy more than anything and in return, that person wishes the same for you. It’s everything a person hopes and dreams about so it is only fair and just to give romantic love a day of celebration. They said that love is the closest thing to magic, but for me love is magic itself. I cannot wait for that day to call the person I love as my own.

However, I am against the over commercialism of romantic love. I do not understand why people need to be setup with random people that day so that they could say that they weren’t alone in Valentine’s Day. I do not understand why some girls who receive flowers flaunt their bouquet for the whole Valentine’s Day like it is a medal from the Nobel Prize or something to have their girl friends jealous. I do not understand some girls who actually feel inferior to girls who carry around flowers and feel very ugly. I know that there were some girls who were so depressed that they bought their own bouquets just to show their friends that they weren’t ‘alone’ on Valentine’s Day. How I want to slap this girls to return to reality but somehow, I could relate to them as loneliness make you really feel dying inside at a rapid rate.

Two rules in life that I forever follow: Always be true to yourself and love yourself first before you can share love to others. I’m the type of person who never really lies. I can be frank, blunt and straightforward with my thoughts and feelings. With that attitude, I gained friends who accepted me for who I am. Nonetheless, I had my realizations a few months that probably the reason why I do not have a boyfriend yet is I failed to truly love myself first. So slowly, I’m picking up my self-confidence which I seriously lack and try improving myself even a little one day at a time. I learned how to put makeup and carry myself around and lessen the awkwardness that I carry within as much as I could. Probably that’s why people told me that I seem to ‘bloom’ these days. Gradually, I now understand how much I love my future spouse will be that I want to be the best that I could be in mind, body and spirit. I want to be the best that I could be so that I could be the woman who shall every day be deserving of his love and the woman who he shall be proudly say that he is indeed lucky to have.

I put patience in love because I still need to be able to complete myself so I could be that perfect compliment for the person destined for me. I wish all girls would be too. We need to love and respect ourselves first to be worthy of a prince charming who would love us back. So on Valentine’s Day, let us still spread the love with the people we meet. Laugh around with friends. Comfort people who had already given up with love. Be grateful for your family and friends who accepts you for who you are.  Be a complete person for him. And one day, the doors of destiny shall open for us. Actually, I often ask married couple on how they ended up together. Some says they were friends for a long time, others instantaneously felt the attraction the moment they see their future spouse. The main point is what will happen shall definitely happen. We must be ready for that day when we meet that person who shall be worth the wait and would absolutely say the same for us.

Oh, and one more thing, for singles do not waste your whole Valentine’s Day looking at your Facebook timeline seeing some of your friends basically brag about their dates or on the other side, complain how lonely they are on Valentine’s Day. Both extremes will not make you feel better so ditch Facebook for three days perhaps.

To the person destined for me, I hope to see you soon…but then you see, I wish you are the person I truly love now. If you weren’t, please come to my life tomorrow? If you are that person I thank God that I love you because you are such a good person. I pray for you every day so in that way I give love to you every single day even if we’re not yet together. I’m crazy I know. But if it isn’t crazy then it isn’t love.

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, have a heartfelt Valentine’s Day!

According to the Bible first thing a person should understand for love is be patient and to do kindness in order for us to have the love that never fails. When in doubt, just continue to love, love and love.

Hold on to Sixteen

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other’s hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.

—Clara Ortega

Dear Gio,

Happy 16th Birthday!

Sixteen, wow. In two more years, you are going to be part of the adult world. How can that be? In my eyes, you’ll always be my little baby. When you were born, I was about to celebrate my eighth birthday in less than three months. You were quite a surprise as they were not expecting you to come since our parents were considered to have seemed graduated in their baby making years. Nonetheless, I was still expecting you. When I was in pre-school, I dreamt at least twice that I’ll have a brother. I told everyone but nobody really took me seriously.

But then you came.

It wasn’t easy at all raising you mainly because you were a very hyper child but at the same time, very sickly. There is no standard of care strictly imposed on you. There are days when we have to be strict on you and punish you for being a naughty boy. However, there are days when we cannot discipline you because we were afraid of your convulsion attacks.

Though our parents always state that they do not favor any one of us, I really believe that you were their favorite. First, culture-wise, Asian parents prefer male children over their female ones because they carry the surname of the family and having a surname that’s in the brink of extinction, they were so pleased to have you. Second, you were the youngest and their only son. You easily and naturally get their attention and care. Third, because you were sickly as a child, we all learned to take care of you extraordinarily.

Despite that, I’m not jealous of you at all.

I have to say that you bought so much joy in my life. Yes, we have our bad days which we almost want to kill each other—all siblings reached that point in their every day love-hate relationship. Besides, it’s a general fact that you were self-centered, irrational and so stubborn. You wouldn’t listen to anyone all the time and you lose things all the time because of your untidiness. However, overall you made me happy. I love how you quickly learned things as a child to present. I love how you smile and how you listened to me. I love how you easily believed in everything that I say. I love the games and pranks that we had played. I love (and also hate) how arrogant, conceited and confident you are. I love how we eat together. I love your “boyish charms” which we use so that our mother will buy us pizza. I love how you grew up to be good in math and sciences which is very unlike me. I love how sharp your memory is and know so many things on NBA and movies. I love how you decided to be a Civil Engineer for college because you want to improve our drainage system after suffering much from typhoon Ondoy.

I just love you so much. It is so much that I find myself weirdly obtaining pleasure as I spoil you, too.

You may come late in our life but still, you are a very important gift. On June, you’ll be starting the path on fulfilling your dream in becoming a Civil Engineer in my alma mater, University of Santo Tomas. I have mixed feelings about it. One part of me is extremely excited and one part of me is extremely worried on how you are going to take college. But I must also accept that you are now a big boy who is very competent and capable. I’m sure that you would do well because we raised you well. But please, do not have a girlfriend yet. Mother, Le-Anne and I aren’t ready yet for us to have someone to share in the title, “the only girls in your life”.

But come what may, we will always be here for you. We will support you all the way. We will love you to death. I was lying of course, when I told you that ever since you were born, my life was cursed because you are indeed, a blessing. Enjoy your youth, sixteen is such a fun year so hold on to it as you open yourself to changes you’d never imagine. This is going to be your year. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you.

May God bless you all the way!

This was from my 21st birthday. Everyone else was busy so he celebrated it with me. One of my favorite days with him. 🙂

2012: Stars over Fireworks

It’s nice to look back before I go forward.

2012. Wow. This time about, a year ago, I was so lost but I could not really explain why to anyone. I’m too stubborn to accept what I feel. I’m too hurt to find words to express my feelings. I’m too lost to find anyone to talk to. A few days after, I find myself budgeting time between school work and the hospital. My sister is suddenly confined because of dengue. I hardly had focus on anything. I fall down from everything—the overpass, the bathtub and even on straight surface. I was black and blue because of bruises both figuratively and literally.

I am nothing but a mess.

The next months were bipolar. There are days wherein there is nothing but happiness. There are days where I feel apathetic about everything. There are days where I could just kill, holler and break things had it been legal. There are days where I could just bow my head down and weep while all alone going home from the bus ride. There are days where I feel so good that I’m ready to die. There are days where I feel so low, misunderstood, lonely and ugly that I want to die.

2011 was not a great year for me but it taught me one important lesson: Life goes on.

Life goes on. You might be forgotten by some friends but you will eventually gain some more. You might lose so much energy and experience so much pain over a broken heart but the world shall not stop for you. You still have work to finish, cases to read and things to do that only you will be able to do. Life shall not stop for you. If you’re bruised, stand up and keep on walking. Take that first step and you might be surprised that you’re already on your one-thousandth. Life goes on because you are stronger than you think. I hoped despite depression. I learned to be brave and smile to everyone though my heart aches. I continued to love despite the pain.

Of course, there are some people that I have to thank along the way. I thank my family because even if you make me crazy, life without you is even crazier. I thank my high school and college friends for our friendship that stands up to now where we are all driven like crazy with adulthood problems. I thank my warriors and amazons people for being good friends to me and being my partners-in-crime. But I give this one special thank you to God. I know He’s always there for me but I thank Him more especially for this year for the little miracles and people who are actually angels in disguise who helped me cope up.

Let’s go fast forward to few minutes before the New Year. I was in a middle of Angeles City. I am trying to find the best position to shoot the fireworks. But I couldn’t have a good position. It’s either some establishment or the old, sturdy trees are blocking my view. In my desperation, I gave up and look up and saw a view that I had not expected. I saw numerous stars scattered across the sky. The stunning Milky Way. Their simplicity awed me, almost bringing me to tears. There are some stars which seem to be very new to me. Stars that I didn’t know existed. They sparkle brightly and tirelessly in silence. They are forever. They are so much unlike the fireworks which may be vibrant, intense and loud but they shine only for some moment and turn into dust.

This 2012, I do not have any resolution but to know what are the stars or fireworks in my life. The stars must be more taken care of and appreciated more than the fireworks. The stars may be hidden in the cloud or by the brightness of the sun and never flamboyant with their presence but they are always there for you, unlike the fireworks which are only there when there is something to celebrate on.

Life goes on, yes. You are stronger than you think, yes. But there is one more lesson learned: There are those people who are always there for you and give your crazy life on earth with just a bit more sense. I thank you to all the stars in my life this 2011. Now, it’s time for me to appreciate and give more love to all of you.  And to the people that I love, I’ll continue being your star. I swear that I’ll always be there for you. I might not be the brightest but you can always count on my unbreakable loyalty.

I look outside my window sill today. Though they are less than what I saw yesterday in Angeles City because of the Manila pollution, one thing is important for me:

They are still shining there.

Don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest.

Lessons of the First Love

“You are always gonna be my love, even if I fall in love with someone once again. I’ll remember to love, you taught me how.”

—Translation of Utada Hikaru’s “First Love”

It’s a wonder how amidst the difficulty that my heart suffers now because of my second love, I had a chance of talking on-line to my first love.

We all cannot forget our first loves. I met mine quite late in life. We were seventeen then. He’s quiet, unassuming and reserved.  He seems a bit cold for me actually. Our professor then told the class to introduce our seatmates in class and he then turned to me. He broke into a smile, one of the warmest and kindest smiles that I had ever seen. He is definitely not one of the men which I consider handsome but he’s definitely the most charming. After introducing our names and high schools to each other, he told me that he has a girlfriend which made me hear my heart crack a little.

It’s easy to fall in love with him. We sit to each other almost all our days in college. Every day that I learn something from him, the more I like him. Believe me, it feels like a curse. He treats me as a close girl space friend and he is comfortable in telling me everything especially about his ex girl no-space friends. I had no choice but to listen intently and wear a mask every day saying how happy I am for him but how I felt disgusted with myself telling such lie. I cannot tell him anything, not only because I fear losing our friendship but I would have no idea working with him in activities wherein he is my partner or group mate. Thus, every day then, I take a deep breath and whisper to myself, “You can do this, Maica. Just grin and bear it.”

But what made me really like him? Back then, I cannot pinpoint what particular traits in him that I like. What is important to me is that I really, really like him far more than myself or anyone else. However, after a few years of moving on, I see things more clearly. I like him a lot because of how he treats his then girlfriends (he had three ex back in college). He likes giving them surprises. When he looks at them, it’s as if everybody else disappears in the world. He is also proud of them. When he tells me and my classmates about them he is not ashamed in expressing how special they are and how much he loves them. I also like his kindness and his playful mischievousness at times. I like the fact that he always maintains his cool and never gets angry despite pressure. I like how passionate he is with things that he loves like basketball. I love how he intently listens to me whenever I’m too happy or too sad. I like how he treats me like a woman unlike our other guy classmates who treats me as well, one of them. I love his simplicity and pure-heartedness.

I love that I realized that I am capable to love.

I love that I realized that I want someday to love a good man like him who, unlike him, would love me back.

I love that I know myself as a woman in love—which I am the type of woman who would selflessly wish for every day for the happiness of the man he loves even if I am not included in his happiness.

He may not have loved me back, but I know this: Unrequited love is still love. It is the most painful, sorrowful yet it is still a beautiful and pure kind of love. It is the kind of love that excruciatingly learned yet it gave me wisdom on how to love virtuously, without waiting for anything in return. In the end, I am also proud that the experience in loving him unrequitedly showed how strong a person I am because I survived it.

In case you’re wondering, yes I told him in the most unconventional way ever.  I told it to him in front of our classmates during our retreat. That was definitely unplanned and according to one of my guy classmate who was his dorm mate, he was too shocked. He stared into nothingness the whole night according to our classmate. I really am sorry for shocking him like that. Truthfully, I am as shocked as him. Never in my dreams would I do something as crazy as that. It was aching at first especially how he avoided me on the first weeks but in the end, I’m glad that I did that. My complete honesty for him on the last weeks of my college years liberated me.

But, now that I could not recall the pain I felt in loving him before, I could truly say that I moved on. Now, I could only remember the joy he had given me as a very loyal and good friend. In the end, I do not regret knowing him. I do not regret choosing to love him. Because at the end of the day, I could tell myself that I loved a very good man. I’m indeed glad seeing him do what he had planned and is now very independent from him parents. When I talked to him, I felt he never changed and he wished me luck on the path that I have chosen. That makes me very much happy.

Whatever happens or wherever path we may go, I can only have good words for him and would forever be proud that he is my first love.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”
— Herman Hesse.