Partial Truths

 ”For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;  but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.“

—1 Corinthians 13:9-10

One of the funniest yet worst feelings is when you go on-line to relax yourself but ‘lo and behold, you were instead stressed of all the envy you felt after seeing the images of friends in Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

It is easy to feel sorry about yourself after seeing how well your friends are doing once you login to your social network accounts. While you find that nothing remotely interesting is happening in your life for months or perhaps years, you see your friends marrying the love of their lives, eating in the most expensive restaurants, watching the latest Iron Man film in IMAX 3D theatre, attending the launch of the Samsung Galaxy Note 4 and obtaining the same afterwards and going places like the beaches because it’s summertime in the Philippines or even Paris. Believe it or not, all these events appeared in my social networks in a span of a week.

And what am I doing? Let us just say, our house helper just arrived from her two-week vacation yesterday. Guess who took over almost all her job?

When I saw all of these things on-line a year ago, I probably feel sorry about myself again for having a very “boring” life. But I came to mature and realize one of the most basic natures of every human being: We are more interested in making others believe we are happy than in trying to be happy ourselves. First of all, it is no secret how many people, especially girls, who Photoshop their images before posting it as their profile pictures in the social networking sites. I saw some of my Facebook friends who are so blemish-free in their profile pictures that they hardly resemble such pictures in real life. I never altered my pictures but I am guilty in a way that there are times where I take about ten shots just to have that perfect profile picture. Sometimes, I even go beyond ten. This is a fact that I can never be proud of myself. The point is, if we choose carefully or even alter our profile pictures, most certainly we do the same of our posts in our social networking sites.

Simply put, the Internet is an avenue of partial truths. We get to decide what people see and what they don’t. Yes, one may seem very blissful of marrying the love of her life but what we don’t know is deep inside she only married the man because she was impregnated by him and she is currently unemployed and has no means to support her baby. Yes, a person may be seen eating with friends in an expensive restaurant but we do not know how he starved for several weeks just to meet with his friends’ expectations that he could actually afford such place. Yes, one may have watched the latest movie in IMAX, but she only did so in order to escape her abusive father temporarily who beats her up and her mother whenever he gets drunk. Yes, one may appear to buy all the latest gadgets and thingamajigs but would one be crazy enough to post his credit card statement of account which he only pays the interests for years?

The infamous Greek philosopher, Plato, once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” We all have our own crosses that we bear and do not burden ourselves further with envy with the partialities our friends posts in the Internet. Also, we must ask ourselves if we do really know these people that we really follow or observe. Personally, I have more than 800 friends in Facebook and I could say that I really know and care only about 50 persons there. The rest are high school batch mates (almost all are my friends and we are almost 400 students in our batch), friends from gym (I lasted only for four months and I do not really contact anyone from them), distant relatives who added me (my surname “Ayuyao” is a very rare surname), old classmates and friends from college and my first law school (majority of them I do not talk to anymore), some are my old teachers or professors (who I admire and I just added so that I could still get some bits and pieces of their wisdom whenever I feel lost), some friends of friends who I met only once in my life, and some people in my current school now (we added to have groups to share files, make announcements and ask for help in some matters). There is no point comparing ourselves with these people. Reality bites that even your closest friends before move on, have a life of their own and live a life separate from yours. There is a point when you do not really know them anymore except of the life they tried projecting to everyone by their posts in the Internet. And since we hardly know them anymore, what is the point of comparing our lives with strangers?

Sure, we cannot say adios anymore to the Internet at present. For many of us, the Internet became not just a luxury but a necessity. The Internet inspires, teaches and connects us. But do not use it to compare your life to another person. Instead of comparing, start living your own life.  Life has a fair share of surprises for all of us. The only way to do find it is by logging out of your computers every once in a while.

Unplug. Take a break from all the social networking dramas. Start running and living your life.

‘Perfecting’ Oneself: Beauty and Madness

We all have imperfections. I am the best example of a perfectly imperfect person from head to toe. I battled insecurities from the way I look especially my nose, being overweight, acne and bruises and scars due to clumsiness. When I was in high school, it was so bad that I could not look at myself in the mirror and I feel nauseated just seeing any of my pictures. I saw myself as a very ugly person that I thought I was cursed.

Nonetheless, I eventually accepted my flaws. I learned to wear better clothes. I understood the purpose of skincare. I found joy in applying makeup. Actually, I only learned these things for roughly a year now. Regardless of that, I now laugh at my imperfections because I fully accepted them together with my good qualities. It makes me who I am. I am no longer a prisoner of my imperfections.

In less than two weeks, I’ll turn 25 years old. I feel old but at the same time, I feel blessed that I was born earlier in this world. These days, people are so obsessed with what they look like that there are some teenagers asking their parents for plastic surgery as graduation gift. When my brother graduated high school last year, one of his batch mates had undergone plastic surgery before they graduated. Now, it is understandable that such act of going through knife at a very young age is shocking to sub-urban Fairview, Quezon City, Philippines. But in South Korea, it is really very normal for girls to have cosmetic surgery after high school graduation. People there are so obsessed with ‘perfecting themselves’. As proof, kindly examine the image below:

At first glance, they seem to be a picture of a woman who just wears different hair and clothes. However, believe it or not, they are the contestants of the upcoming Miss Korea 2013. Notice the same small face, refined but soft eyes, impeccable nose and thin lips. The ratio of the distance of the features is so noticeable. Yes, they had undergone plastic surgery according to my source although it is uncertain if all of them went through it. Their similarities are probably not an accident because that face portrays what a “perfect” woman is for the South Koreans.

Yes, I must admit how pretty they all look. If God had made me choose my physical appearance, especially my facial features, I would have really considered this look for myself. If I were born this pretty, I’d take no hesitation and join a beauty contest. But what good is a beauty contest if all contestants look so similar that they look like clones of each other? If everyone on earth looks the same, who could be called beautiful?

If there’s anything I learn in looking at that picture, I realized that “perfection” can really be boring.

Plastic surgery is an ethical issue that is so sensitive to touch. We are born with our own bodies and graced with freewill, we could do anything we want with it. How we treat, dress and accessorize shows our attitude, our feelings and our self-expression to the world. Perhaps, altering parts of our body is also part of our freewill. However, did it occur to you that you are beautiful enough?

I know none of us remember the day we were born. I’m glad I couldn’t. When I was born almost twenty-five years ago, it was a beautiful Sunday morning. Most importantly, it was Mother’s Day. However, before my mother went emotional because of meeting her firstborn a little bit late in her life, she was bothered by my aunts’ nasty comments.

“Naku, Angelo…mapapagastos ka niyan. Sapad na sapad ang ilong ng anak mo!”

(“Oh no, Angelo [my dad]…you are going to spend so much money [on your daughter]. Her nose is so flat!”)

Wow. Epic welcome. Like, hello…that my first day on this freaking earth! Growing up, I didn’t like my facial features so much but I have this incredible hate for my nose. It is so large and looks flat because of the bulbous tip. When get colds, it looks even more ridiculous because it looks like a tomato due to redness. It is so annoying because the nose is the most conspicuous part of your face because it sits amidst of your face. I really considered having plastic surgery before. I thought that it would be better if I made it look like my mother’s nose because she has this subtle, pointy nose. But now that I’m all grown up, I fully accept the shape of my nose. Actually, I believe that it made my face so distinguishable that people easily recalls what I look like. I now embrace it as part of my uniqueness.

Plastic surgery is becoming more and more prevalent in the world. In fact, before in my country, it is a big scandal when actors and actresses go under the knife. But nowadays, they even explicitly express their gratitude on national television their cosmetic surgeon like Dr. Vicky Belo or Dr. Manny Calayan, who are some of the famous cosmetic surgeons here. I guess in most parts of the world, plastic surgery is really becoming more and more acceptable. Also, in various parts of the world, media and society dictates what is beautiful. In Korea and other parts of Asia, it’s about softening features and putting emphasis on the ratio of the distance of the facial features. In the western world, it’s all about exaggerating on what you have. Girls there want bigger boobs, sharper butts and have those big, luscious Angelina Jolie lips. Truly, what is beautiful in the east is not necessarily what is beautiful in the west. So who is beautiful then?

The problem I see in plastic surgery is once you ‘perfect’ a part of your body, you will go on and ‘perfect’ the other parts. Over and over you can see imperfection on yourself and try to alter those flaws. In the end, you will never be contented on what you have and if you are not contented in life, chances are you will never be truly happy.

I will not judge you if you still chose to undergo cosmetic surgery. It is your body and life anyway. But one piece of unsolicited advice that I could share with you is this: Do not let media, society or other people make you believe that you are not beautiful. After all, the perception of beauty always changes overtime. For example, see those paintings made during the Renaissance period. Do you see girls who have this sought-after hourglass figure in any of the paintings? No. Well, during that time, curvier women are thought to be more beautiful. Just look at the famous “Birth of Venus” by Sandro Botticelli. In our modern day standards, that woman posing as Venus would probably be called as ‘fat’ by some people. Also, someday, when the world forgets about Angelina Jolie, women who tried copying her lips would probably look ludicrous. Like fashion, the perceptions of what is beautiful come and go. The bottom line is, accept yourself. In the first place, if you do not love yourself it reflects to the world. If you do not love yourself, chances are the world will not love you back. Do not focus much on what you don’t have. After all, the truth remains that you can never be perfect no matter how much surgeries you have. Feel blessed because you’re unique. Focus more on what is eternal like kindness rather that which comes and goes.

You are beautiful. Do not just believe in that. Know that.

‘Rebuild My Church’

Habemus Papam!

First and foremost, I would like to extend my gratitude to our former Pope Benedict XVI. I understand that it was not easy stepping down especially if you are at the pinnacle of the Roman Catholic Church. This greatly needs humility in action. With this act I felt that he is genuinely doing this for the great love for our Church. I believe that he must be an illustration of what a great leader must be. I am saddened that there are many politicians, members of the Bench or even clergymen like our Pope is who are already incapable of doing their task properly due to poor health, old age or even questionable reputation who would do practically anything in order for them NOT to relinquish their positions. My friends, this is a challenge for all of us. We had learned from Spider man that “With every great power comes with great responsibility” and the responsibility of every leader is to serve others with the best of our competency. Remember that what really measures our worth as human beings are not the titles and positions that we had held in our lifetime but with our service of others. Pope Benedict XVI could have just spend the rest of his papacy inactively because after all, the Church could move without him doing much because many could substitute works for him. However, he understood that this is the trying times of the Catholic Church. He humbly offered his seat in the Vatican to another worthy person in the College of Cardinals. Therefore, we thank you, Holy Father. We are thankful not just for your humility in stepping down as our Pontiff but with your almost 8 years of service with us. Even if you acquired this position at a relatively old age, you defended the conservative doctrines of the Church as well as being brave in opening the sensitive matters on the sexual abuse of some of the priests and did actions towards this problem. Again, thank you, Holy Father.

Anyway, the last day of my final examinations was Monday of the week before Pope Francis was elected. I was so freaking tired. I had about three to four hours’ worth of sleep and if you know me well, you will know that I need 8 hours of sleep usually. I thought the sleepless nights would be over by Monday but it went on because of the conclave. Yes, that smoke from the Vatican comes out at about 3AM in our time. I really do not know why I was so engrossed by it. Okay, I actually know why I am engrossed by it—our local cardinal, Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle, is ALWAYS on the list of the papabile or the list of possible popes of the international media. I adore Cardinal Tagle with all my heart. He has this weekly show on the cable news channel ANC entitled, “The Word Exposed”. In there he discusses and comments on that Sunday’s first and second reading and the gospel. Sometimes, he answers the questions of his followers in Facebook or he discusses various topics on Catechism which enlightens and nourishes my Christian faith. Imagine having an Asian pope again after several centuries and the best part is it could be a Filipino. However, I think I was only disappointed for three minutes seeing another person other than Cardinal Tagle as Pope. It only took a few moments for me to really fall in love with our new pope, Pope Francis. Looking back, I thought that I was so foolish. I was praying so hard that the Philippine delegate might win that in a way, I looked at the conclave as an international beauty pageant. Then again, I am now exultant because with Pope Francis’ election as the new pope, I believe that all of us have won.

Pope Francis is a man of many firsts being the first pope from South America, the continent with the largest population of Roman Catholics. He is the first Jesuit pope which is why some people thought he chose the name “Francis” because of the founder of the religious order, Society of Jesus. Of course he is the first person who picked Francis for his name because he was inspired by St. Francis of Assisi’s genuine love for the poor.

I believe that he is the perfect man for the job. I am deeply touched and inspired by his humility. When I first saw him, I wasn’t sure that he was the pope. He was wearing plain white vestments without the signature red velvet cape or the mozzetta. The other priests beside him seem to be more regal in the black and red vestments. He also quietly waved to the people and smiled. This is also a little strange because both Popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI outstretched their arms when they first faced the public. But the more I research about Pope Francis, the more inspired I become with his humility. When he was cardinal, he refused living in a mansion-like place that is reserved for him as cardinal. He instead rented a small room and even cooked his own meals and rode on Argentine public transportation. In Vatican, too, he refused the room where the popes in the past stayed, remarking that it was “too big”. He chose a much smaller room.

Nonetheless, what really touched me is the fact that he again removed the bulletproof glass in the Popemobile. Of course, I could completely understand why Pope John Paul II established that bulletproof glass in the Popemobile. After all, some insane guy shot him four times. Pope Benedict XVI was also not spared as an insane woman tackled him down one Christmas Eve and attempted to do it again a year after. However, it is truly remarkable seeing that desire of Pope Francis to go very up close and personal to the people. He even goes down at times to bless the children and the sick. I know that this make him like the security “nightmare”. However, I guess that deep inside, Pope Francis care little or not at all for his own life. I feel that as a person, he wanted to embody true goodness, kindness and love which Jesus taught us. He also shows us this deep faith that God will protect us if we obey and do his will even at the riskiest places. Thus, Pope Francis is really a person who always leaves me smiling in my heart.

I could genuinely say that he is the pope that we need at these trying times. Like St. Francis of Assisi, he is humble, warm and welcoming. He truly loves and cares for the poor. We are a world filled of ‘poor’ people but in varying ways of suffering. In Japan, the United States, Canada and European countries, where everything is provided, people are killing themselves because of pressure, stress and extreme loneliness. In emerging economies like the Philippines, Vietnam and China, there are many people who do not get what they deserve. Employers who are driven so much by profit underpay their employees. Of course, there are people from failed states which are mainly in Africa where the people are so poor, they have hardly have food to eat, clothes to wear, and homes to speak of. Additionally, their lives, as well as the lives of their offspring, seem to be doomed by civil wars which they ancestors started. There are countries in the Middle East whose life is a great struggle each day. People kill each other or commit suicide bombing because of religion. But why would the God who is taught with goodness, mercy and love in the conflicting religions want to start wars in His name? We must not forget that He is the very same God who appeared before Abraham, a key figure in Christianity, Judaism and Islam. In essence, we are all poor in varying degrees but contain some richness deep inside of us that we could share to one another. Some people who have everything materially are so poor in spirit. But on the other hand, there are also some people who hardly possess anything but are so filled with cheer. Pope Francis, a very simple man, is who we need. You can see clearly in this man that he is a true embodiment of God’s virtue. He is very welcoming, warm and kind—a perfect father-figure for our church. These are the trying times of Catholicism. The number of believers is not increasing in years. States keep on legislating laws which are against the teachings of the church like abortion, same-sex marriage and divorce. Also, the borderline between ethical and acceptable is now ambiguous. It seems like the world is very much against the rectitude taught by the church without understanding the reasons behind the prohibition such as the sanctity of life, marriage and relationships as well as having intelligent choices for ourselves. This is very immature for everyone is acting like a teenage child who thinks everything that his parents impose upon him is revolting, absurd or simply uncool. We need a father-like figure like Pope Francis who knows how to listen and understand with so much compassion but at the same time, he is firm against the unscrupulousness against the teachings of the church just like the time where Argentina legalized same-sex marriage.

“Francis, go and rebuild my Church,” Jesus told St. Francis of Assisi this before and perhaps, this is also what he is telling Pope Francis now that he is our pope. I have high hopes in him. But in the meantime, I say a little prayer for him just like he first requested to all of us when he first appeared to the public. I know he could do great things for the church but he’ll definitely do better with us praying and supporting him as well as living through the righteous teachings of the church.

“True power is service. The Pope must serve all people, especially the poor, the weak, the vulnerable.” —Pope Francis, via Twitter (username: @Pontifex)

Wednesday Massacre: 2012 Bar Exam Disaster

Wednesday noon was a blur for me. It all started when I was on my way home from the Quezon City Hall to pick up my Voter’s ID. I went to St. Peter Parish to light up some candles and to pray. When I hitched my ride to home, I received a text from my classmate that our grades for this semester had been released. I freaked out and decided to go straight to SM Fairview instead of my home in order for me to check my grades as soon as possible.

At that moment, little did I know that it wasn’t my semester’s grade that would shock me.

I received another text again from the same classmate that the 2012 Bar Exam Results were released. I was doubly nervous. I know some friends from my old law school who took the Bar last year. As soon as I had access, the first thing I checked was my grades which were all good. I say they were good because my grades this semester were a lot better than my grades last semester. I called my Dad to tell him my grades but as soon as he answered my call, he asked if were there anyone from my school who passed the bar.

I went, “Huh?” then I continued, “Daddy, do not think about that first. This is my moment. I am pleased to announce to you that I passed all my subjects this semester…”

While I was enumerating my grades, I logged in to Facebook. Yes, I know that I wrote that I quitted Facebook but circumstances dictated me to reactivate my account for school purposes. When I logged in, I finally get what he means by his initial question. The first story I read on my timeline is our Office Administration status saying, “17.76% 2012 Bar Passing Rate… God bless the UE College of Law!”

17.76%! My heart suddenly froze for a minute and throbbed heavily like gongs. I quickly tried finding the list from the Supreme Court’s website. I personally do not know any barristers from my present law school because I never had any one of them as classmates so the moment the list was loaded, I tried looking for my two friends in my law school. When I saw both of their names in the list, a wonderful feeling magically filled my heart. They are finally lawyers!

But still, I want to know what is the story behind that 17.76% passing rate. First, Ateneo is exuberant as the dominated the top 10 of the bar, including the first and the second places. University of the Philippines have 4 people in the top 10, regaining their glory for not being able to send any person in the top 10 on the 2011 Bar Exams. Also, Aquinas University surprised everyone for one of their graduates made it in the top 10. Second, the Supreme Court pompously announced that they even lowered the passing rate from 75 to 70 otherwise only about 361 persons would have passed. Justice Villarama, head of the bar committee for 2012 said, “The Court, following history, and in the spirit of the Lenten season, decided to be liberal this morning. Out of liberality – may puso rin naman yan,” Wow. Liberal? Really? Thirdly, this “Wednesday Massacre” as my future professor in Remedial Law, Atty. Riguera, baptized this Bar Exam fiasco, came about because a lot of students miserably failed in Labor, Criminal and Remedial Law subjects. University of Santo Tomas’ official publication, The Varsitarian, added in their report that only 2% of the examinees passed Remedial Law which consumes 20% of the Bar Exams. Fourthly, this year is the fourth lowest bar exam passers percentile not second as the reports initially says.

Everything I enumerated above is what we learned from media. These additional statistics is what is being whispered in the legal community. Let us start with the not-so-secret stats of my former school UST. They garnered an average of 48%. In my school, UE, it was 36%. In San Beda, I heard that their passing rate is about 70%. Usually their passing rate is almost 100%. Top-notch school Ateneo is not as happy as we ought to be because although they dominated the list of top 10, they have 41 students who failed the bar exams and usually they only have about 2-3 bar flunkers per year. Still, these passing rates all doubled at least the current national passing rate of 17.76%.

Then again, I want to ask this question: Are the bar examinees in 2011 Bar Exams necessarily better than those who took the 2012 Bar Exams?

2011 Bar Examination posted a remarkable 31.95% passing rate. At first glance, the statistics pronounce it like that because 2011 Bar almost doubled the 2012 passing rate. However, let us go some statistics of the bar exam years back and you will easily notice that there seems to be a trend created. It keeps on going up and down every year curiously.

 

Yoyo. I gathered the bar percentage for 13 years. Notice the pattern in the line graph?

This bothers me because following this trend, I could predict that this year’s bar exam results will play somewhere within 25%. But in 2014 wherein I shall take my bar examinations, it will suddenly plummet down again to 20% or perhaps, God forbid, lower.

I really am nervous. What would become of me when I take the bar? I have no other dream but to become a lawyer. I studied for twenty years (and counting) straight just to prepare for the bar. However, I also thought of those who already failed the bar. What would become of them? I know some people immediately left their dream to become a lawyer. For those who are willing to take another chance, they could freely do so especially now that the Supreme Court lifted the 5-take bar rule. Still, if you fail but you are still willing to take the bar again, how will you do it? It is bad enough to gather all the pieces of your broken pride and morale. However, to take another year or half a year of to prepare is another story. For sure the 949 bar passers in 2012 bar exams are now somewhere on top of the world but how about the 4,737 people who did not make it and had shattered their dreams?

I completely understand that passing the bar is hard. However, to obtain that law degree diploma is also a great struggle. The hours are wasted in finding those assigned cases alone and just imagine how many more hours are needed just to read them. There are days where you cut off your connection with your old friends because you are too busy or too depressed to face them or any other people for that matter. There are days wherein you just want to cut your connection with the world and deactivate your social networks because you feel like you are going nowhere with your miserable study life while the rest are getting hitched, travelling the world and having the time of your life. I have classmates who immediately quitted law school after just several days in it because they can’t handle the pressure. Some call it quits after a year. I am even kicked out of my first law school though I now completely adjusted to my new one. Surely, ask any student or any lawyer for that matter, about law school and brace yourself with all the stress stories they would share. Or maybe they would be completely quiet about it just like me.

Yes, don’t try talking to me about school. I completely hate it.

Nonetheless, I want to take that 2014 Bar Exams no matter what happens. Although there is now that fear that more heads would roll on that year based on statistics, I take it as a challenge. After all, I believe that God backtracked me in order to prepare more of the bar. Had things went in my life smoothly, I should be taking the bar this year but I really feel raw and unprepared.

All in His time.

And when that day comes, I swear I’ll make Him proud and all the people who believed me.

And Because I Won Something…

It’s rare that I ever win anything. That is why I’m going to share with you my winning entry from Tony Moly Philippines‘  Happily Ever After Story-writing contest. Don’t laugh. I just type the whole thing without thinking for an hour. And after I wrote everything, I did not bother re-reading or proofreading it.  Actually, I was not supposed to join this entry anymore because firstly, I initially lacked time. Secondly, I just won one of their contests two months back. However, I posted on their wall last week that I would join and it hurts like hell for me if I break promises. Also, my professor told us that he will not meet us on Thursday in advance.

So, I gambled and tried making it to their 12NN deadline. But you see, I had fun writing it. The feeling reminded me of my teenage years where I spend some time writing fan fiction. It was a good experience for me.

Lastly, just to emphasize, I am really using Tony Moly products. I first started with their skin care products like their Appletox scrub, Latte Art Cacao Pore Pack and their Intense Care Live Snail Ampoule Set. Slowly, I am now buying their cosmetics like three days ago, I bought their Backstage Self-Smoky Eye Collection which is a conveniently packaged gel eyeliner, eyeliner brush, two eye shadows and a mirror paraphernalia. I really liked it. It is like a Swiss knife of makeups. Anyway, keep supporting Tony Moly Philippines!

The Story:
I woke up suddenly. It was a dream. It wasn’t a dream. I could still hear the sound of the soft jazz ringing and the soft sighs and laughter of the people last night in my ear. The taste of the scrumptious food lingers upon my tongue—and the delectable cupcakes, yes, the cupcakes! I could see all the decorations that night imbued with magic. Then suddenly, I could just see myself plainly upon the mirror facing directly across my bed.

No makeup on. The red, frilly dress is now replaced by my old nightgown. My hair is now a mess. I guess I am back to my own reality.

But still, I could feel how they held me last night. I never felt more like a lady until last night. Jae-joong was dashing. He captivated me with one look. When he looked upon me, it is as if that I am the only girl in his world. He is really romantic. He gave me a teddy bear with a card asking me if I could be his Valentines. In there, he promised the best view of Seoul, the candlelight dinner and the fireworks. Just thinking about it makes me go lost for words that I just find myself snuggling his bear blushingly on my bed. Then again, he seems to be a little lost for words. We did not have a proper conversation last night.

“What music do you like?” I asked him.
“I listen to everything.” He replied.
“Oh,” I quipped. “What is your favorite food?”
“I eat anything.”
“Oh.”

And then, the scent of roses filled in my room. Upon the corner, I saw a bouquet from Joon-soo. I picked it up and I noticed that there is a card attached to it too. He asked me if I could be his Valentine and also asked me for dinner date. But it would be by the pool this time and there would be violinists serenading us. Joon-soo is really a God-sent man to every woman on earth. He knows how to handle me and is the most gentleman person that I have ever met.

When he approached me last night he said, “Hey, beautiful lady in red.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you…” he looked at me lovingly. “You’re perfect. I love the sharpness of your eyes and the redness of your lips. God was probably showing off when he made you.”

I swear that I could have melted at that moment.
Nonetheless, I am not so sure. He seems to be very friendly to be—but as well as the other girls in that party. I wonder if he also promised this to them.

While I am about to choose my Valentine, I remembered that I received one more gift.

Oh. Right, a card from Yoo-chun!

Now, Yoo-chun is not a stranger to me. He is a fairly new guy in my work because he was accepted just two months ago. He is always funny. He makes me laugh all the time and cheer me up whenever I get frustrated because of work. He’s like an older brother to me who supports and teases me all the time.

We did not danced last night. He simply excused himself while I was trying to have a conversation with Jae-joong and gave me a card. It is a plain, blue card. No fancy hearts or words on the cover. There was no bear or flowers coming with it. In there, it was written: “By your balcony at 10AM.”

I looked at that big digital watch on my study table. It was already 9:59!

I went to my balcony in a hurry. Nothing seems to be different except there was a rope tied on one end of it. Did I put it there some days ago? I could not recall.

And then, lo and behold…a huge blue hot-air balloon floated suddenly. In there, Yo-chun was there, smiling at me.
“You’re finally awake, sleepy head.” He chuckled.
“Hey…” I uttered in amazement. “What is this?”
“Well, it is a beautiful day.” He started. “Look how blue the sky is. Care to fly?” He then reached for a basket. “I even made kimbap and bibimbap. I know you have not had your breakfast yet.”
“Be careful not to eat too much,” he added. “Otherwise, we might sink suddenly in the Han river.”
I didn’t know how exactly how to react.
He smiled, “Hey, I’m just kidding! Hop on!”
“But wait!” I exclaimed. “Look at me…I just woke up. I am not dressed properly. I do not have makeup on yet!”
“It doesn’t matter!” he answered. “You look beautiful whether you’re fully dressed or stressed from work. And now, you proved that you’re beautiful even if you just woke up!”
“But…”
“Go on, sweetie.” a voice from behind me said encouragingly.

I look behind me and it was mother. She was smiling and there was a bouquet of red roses in her arm.
“Eomma!” I went to her. “Wow…you have roses!”

“Yoo-chun gave it to me.” She said tenderly. “I never knew that I would receive roses again since your father died five years ago. Yoo-chun was here two hours ago and asked me properly to take you out this Valentine’s Day. I really like that boy. He gives so much respect to us elderly and my tummy now hurts from so much laughing. He made me laugh so much! I also love how witty he is.”

I just smiled.

“Go on, sweetie.” She said while kissing my forehead. “Have a good time. Also, he promised that you will be here to have a lunch with me. It’s a date.” She winked.

“Well?” Yoo-chun said. “Shall we go now?”

I turned to him. “Wait! I will go get something downstairs for you.”
“For me?” asked Yoo-chun.
“For him?” asked Mom almost at the same time as Yoo-chun.
“Yes. Just a minute.”

A minute later, I arrived with a box and with my phone.

“This is for you,” I glanced at him with some shyness. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Go open it.”

He opened it and saw several heart-shaped chocolates inside.
“I made them myself two days ago.” I said proudly.

“Thank you.” He uttered blushingly. For the first time ever, I saw the great prankster, Mr. Yoo-chun Park lost for words.

“I know you were raised both here in Korea and the United States,” I started. “In Valentine’s Day, it is the women who gives something to men and on March 14 or White Day that man will answer. I made that to you two days ago as a thank you gift for everything that you had done for me. I mean, I don’t have a boyfriend and I only have you in my mind to prepare for Valentine’s Day. Had I known that you will surprise me with this, I should have prepared something grander, maybe? So yeah…Happy Valentine’s Day.”

He suddenly embraced me and from there I literally heard my heart pumped so fast. He then led me to the hot air balloon and he winked to my mom, “Later, Madame!”

“Come on, Hyo-rin!”

I texted Jae-joong that I could not make it and when I was about to text Joon-soo, I saw him walking down the street with another girl. Oddly, it did not hurt me. It only convinced me more that I was really with the best choice.

Seoul never looked this beautiful. I lived in this city all my life but it was so fresh and dazzling in my eyes. For the first time ever, I am with a man who is like my father, best friend, brother and soul mate rolled at the same time. This is it. Everything is new. Everything is wonderful. Everything is all that I ever hoped for.

Sarang hae, Park Yoo-chun.

Kamsamhamnida. Why did Tony Moly Philippines chose my entry? According to them, “Your romantic Valentines story about friends turned lovers was a big hit!“

The Ayuyao Monday-Happiness Paradigm

“Do you like Mondays?”

It is really annoying whenever I wake up on a Monday. Often time, the first thing I do in the morning is checking my phones for text messages and my Facebook (I have to activate it again for academic purposes), Twitter and Instagram accounts. I’ve noticed that some persons, especially on Twitter and Facebook, would complain on one thing: It’s Monday again and I hate it.

Personally, I do not have a favorite day. I love every day. I love waking up in the morning grateful of whatever I have and at the same time, unsure of what new things I will learn today or who will I have new conversations with. One person commented that my life is boring going to school and house all my life. But hey, I chose this life. I want to become a lawyer and this is the only way I’m working towards it. Nonetheless, I love how every once in a while, I meet up with my friends from high school and relieve our happy and sappy moments as teenager. I love it when I suddenly meet a friend I haven’t seen in a long while. I love that sometimes, I am forced to watch a movie to keep my little brother happy. I enjoy my shopping days with my mother. I like talking secretly with my secret amidst a boring class. I like it when the whole family goes grocery shopping on weekends. I love when my classmates and I share dreams together. I like learning. I guess it is really a blessing that I easily get happy with the little things life offers me.

But I don’t really get it why people complain much on Mondays. Life is not about having all fun and games. Life is not only about partying. Life is not dozing off on weekends. Life is mostly about work because by working we are able to fulfill our purpose in life. With our work, we are able to serve others. It is our opportunity to help, to inspire and to make the difference that you always wanted. To the people who are like me in your early to mid-twenties, remember that roughly ten years ago, our elementary or high school teachers told us that question, “What do you want to be ten years from now?” Yes, this time, you’re living your vision as a child or teenager. Is it very much near to what you perceive your life to be?

I guess I could say now that the happiest people in the world are those who could say, “I love Mondays!” These people are compassionate and are very much driven to their career path. They grow tired but could hardly feel it because they really like what they are doing. They still emanate that certain glow which is so noticeable even if they have eye bags because of lack of sleep. And at home, they are still very much energized that they are still very much eager to share how their day went with their family or loved ones.

Therefore, I am telling you. If you hate your job, quit it. Find another one that could really bring out your talent and skill. Find that one you could excel in and would make you feel that you’re always doing the right thing. If you don’t like to take further studies anymore, take a break first next semester and think that it is the right course for you. You may want to take another field. Do not live the lives dictated to you. We are young and we have the energy. We are too young to feel so old, bitter and weary in this world because we are not liking what we are doing.  This is the perfect time to find who we really are, our purpose and our aspiration. It is not an easy road ahead but if you like what you are doing, what is difficulty?

Monday is always associated with new beginnings. Nothing is ever easy when you are beginning something. However, with new beginning is the start of something you have always wanted. Why don’t you take a shot to your new dream this beautiful Monday?

Happy Monday. This Monday is also the 17th Birthday of my baby brother, Gio. I love him because he is a perfect example of what happiness is. He like what he is doing. And although he is busy and an academic achiever in Engineering school, he always makes time for me and you will never see him stressed. He always inspires me! Greet him a happy birthday!

A Letter to my Fourteen-Year Old Self

Dear Fourteen-Year Old Self,

If ever time machine will ever be invented, I’ll immediately go to your dimension. I miss our carefree days. I miss how it feels when the world spins so slowly yet every day was worth it going to school. It is funny that for the first time in my life, I received the “Best in Attendance” award. It’s funny that despite doing so many things, I was never sick. Maybe it is youth. Maybe it is something else.

I miss those days when the world was not gadget-dominated yet. Only some people have cellular phones. I did not have one until shortly before I go to college and so does my friends but for some reason, communication was better then. Yes, we were tardy at times but we make sure we do everything to arrive on our meetings. It breaks my heart now how some people simply send a text message just an hour or two before the meeting and say they can’t make it. I love how we felt cool when we are chatting with our classmates in Yahoo Messenger as soon as we arrive home (even if you were chatting with them all throughout your break times) and even play with them IMVironments. Now, Yahoo Messenger just feels empty. There are very few people on-line but you don’t feel like talking to anyone of them. The worst thing is that it seems only the spammers care about you there as they are the only ones messaging you. Also, you and your friends exhaust your time making fan fiction of your favorite anime and book characters. Now you look back thinking how crazy that was but then again one part of me is starting to draft another Sakura-Syoaran plot at the back of your head when I think of all those happy times.

Although I like who I am now, I sometimes miss your carefree attitude as well as you being a simpleton in many things. I am broke most of the time because I put my money on cosmetics and skincare products and on the other hand, you don’t even know what is prom then. Every single day you just wake up, take your breakfast, take a bath, put on your thick granny glasses and that’s it. You don’t even apply any facial cleanser (and thus your acne were numerous) for your skin and pressed powder on your face. Your eyebrows are not bushy but grow all over the place. I’m sure threading and plucking are Pig Latin terms for you. I’m also sure that you understand mascara as something worn on masquerade parties. But still, I’m a little sad for you because you hardly look at yourself in the mirror and refused to have your pictures taken because you believed and perceived yourself as tad ugly. But you are not. Every girl is beautiful, including you. Also, spoiler alert: you are going to wear braces for two years to tighten the gaps of your teeth.

Well, things are really different now after ten years. For example, to tag in your time is to play tag with your friends on the quadrangle or the corridors before class but now it’s a complicated term that when someone uploaded a thing on Facebook it’s either that person wants to show something about your or something interesting that he has seen. I want to tell you that Facebook is just like that defunct Friendster but at that age, Friendster was also unheard of. Anyway, ten years seems to be a very long time but it wasn’t. The world spun faster as soon as I reached sixteen where everyone was talking about high school graduation, future careers and yes, prom. People come and go in my life. But you know, the people who stayed with me as my closest friends are our classmates during your time. They grew up to be beautiful people who are bravely struggling now as members as the working class and at the same time, battling quarter life crisis.

I have changed but I am still you. I will always be you. I laugh hard on the plainest joke. I am still compassionate on life and achieving our dreams. I still love chocolates. I still like the arts and history. I still love those intelligent and quirky conversations. I am still a very awkward dancer—okay, I still cannot dance to save my life. I am clumsy and disorganized. But maybe I’m just a little more confident now. I guess that is the only change in me.

You will always be part of me. You will always live in my memory.

Love,

Your Twenty-Four Year Old Self

Find Me. I am in the class of II-Malvar under the supervision of our beloved adviser, Teacher Ailene Tamayo

P.S. I saw our very first crush last week. He is still as cute and as gentlemanly as ever. It’s a good thing that I was wearing makeup then because he didn’t see me blushed naturally when I first saw him. See, some things never change.

Lucky 13

“Even if we could turn back, we’d probably never end up where we started.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Hello, how are you?

I am asking that not only to you, my dear reader, but to myself as well. It has been more than a month since my last blog entry which was promised to have a part two. I swear I’ll do .it But today’s entry is not about it. But I’ll go back to it.

It may seem that my life had additional dynamics for the past months. First, I have more meet ups with my friends when I have time. Second, I thought that my life would be more at the easy side this semester because I only took 15 units. But hell, I was so wrong! Each unit demands so much from me. I swear that you cannot neglect just one unit otherwise the consequence it might ask for you for a price is impeding your graduation. Well, maybe not to me because I still have one semester left which will contain 13 units but failing is not an option for me. I cannot fail because I really have no face to show to my parents if I fail one. I believe that my education in University of the East is their second chance given to me that I cannot take for granted. I also have all the time in the world because I am a professional student. Nonetheless, the stress given to me by this semester is so much. The readings and digests to be submitted are endless. What hurt me the most is the fact that our official vacation started on the so-called end of the world, December 21, 2012 and resumed on January 3, 2013. One of my professors said that we are going to have early preliminary exams when we resumed classes on January 4. My other professor demanded 40 digested cases from us. It was freaking crazy for me. Yahweh should have made the eleventh commandment as: “Thou shall not assign homework on Christmas break.” Christmas is about being with your friends and relatives which you have not seen in a while. It really feels improper to say “no” to an invited gathering during the Yuletide season. But I did declined some. In days which I stay in the house, I tried making digests and read the Civil Code notes in Persons and Family Relations. I’m glad that accomplished them all although I felt annoyed and a little depressed that I did not have the chance to write at least a blog entry. Last Friday, the results of our preliminary examinations in Civil Law Review were returned. I did not get a high grade though I was one of the few who passed that nerve-wracking exam. I guess I’ll just do better in my midterm and final examinations.

Anyway, I look back now on how 2012 has been. It was seemingly a very stagnant year for me because as a whole, I did nothing but stay at home and go to school even on summer break. But in between that ennui and routine-based life, I learned many things: That 20 seconds of courage. Those birthday cakes. That want to feel beautiful. That high school friends are really the closest you can have for a family. That a broken bone is nothing compared to that broken heart. That feeling when you dared yourself and actually did it. That realization that I was so blessed and I hardly recognized it. That feeling that you inspired people to look at their best, too. Those encouragements and expressions of gratitude. And all those magical moments in between.

This 2013 entered with so much expectations, plans and excitement. I want to tell you all about it however, I will not spill anything until it is official. This 2013, I don’t really have much of a resolution. Maybe I’ll improve my makeup skills and relearn skills which I had forgotten like driving and cooking. I will also not include losing weight anymore because the more I wish for that to come true, the more I fail it. Nevertheless, I will ensure that I will live a healthier lifestyle like I’ll try to eat less meat and sweets. Hey, I am not getting any younger. I’ll turn 25 this year, the age of officially ageing. I will take care of my skin more and probably start jogging after I obtain my orthopedic’s go signal that I could again run. Also, I need to focus more on studies because the moment the clock struck midnight of January 1, I could already say that, “Yes, I will take the bar…next year.” Damn. That thought electrifies me because passing it is all I ever wanted ever since but the question of whether I’m ready for it or not rings in my mind all the time. I know two things, though. One, preparation is the key. Second, you can do it while having fun.

Silver Year. This 2013 will be my silver year. Time seems to go faster now that I am an adult. But still, I do not hide my age. I am very proud of what I am and what I will be for next years to come. How about you, what do you look forward this year?

Let us have a blast this year.

My Weeks as a PWD: Part 1

I have always been a clumsy girl ever since I could remember.  Sometimes, I could just walk in a perfectly flat surface and suddenly I fall flat to the ground. I hope I was kidding but it’s true. My father expressed once that the mere fact that I was walking alone make him worry at times and I cannot blame him. After a long day at work, he’ll arrive home discovering that I bruised myself badly because I got hit on something or had a big wound while playing outside or because I broke some glasses and injured myself while trying to pick up the pieces.

November 9 came and I was absent-mindedly walking down the stairs while talking to my mom on the second floor. I just missed one, freaking step then all of the sudden all pain—physical, emotional, moral…you name it pain—were concentrated on one part of my body, my right foot. It was so excruciating that I couldn’t move for minutes. All I could do is lean on the wall and wail quietly. When I had the strength, I move through the living room and just rested my foot there. It was odd, though. It was extremely painful but I observed that my right foot only swelled a little. “Damn, sprain.” I thought. I had a sprain before though but the experience was a little different; swelled massively just moments after I tripped in the Gateway Mall in Cubao. When I felt a little stronger, I washed myself and went straight to bed.

The next morning came, my right foot was still in pain but physically, no significant change could be observed. I could still walk although my movements were slow. The throbbing in my right foot made me limping. However, I noticed that it was particularly painful whenever I pace down the stairs. Since it was my house, I decided to pace down the stairs, sitting down. I applied some cold compress before going to school but I wore my usual leather shoes. I managed to go normally albeit dragging myself to school because not only was I in great discomfort but my class starts on 9AM and my Friday class ends on 9PM.  Let me stress that my school is in Sampaloc, Manila while I live in Fairview, Quezon City. Anyway, my classmates hardly noticed some changes in my movements. Our professor did not come in for our class so my classmate and I decided to go home. We walk from UE until Espana Boulevard together. When we were approaching the elevator, I told the elevator girl, “Teka lang, Ate. Sorry mabagal ako. May sprain ako.” (“Wait, miss. I’m sorry for my slowness. I have sprain.”). My classmate apologized to me that she did not notice any difference with the way I walk and asked why I did not bind my aching right foot. I told her that I didn’t know how to. She insisted on binding my foot. I was reluctant at first because I don’t want her to go touching my foot but I eventually gave in. When we bought the bind from a local drugstore, I noticed that bruises started appearing on the right side of my right foot and my pinky and little toe. What really shocked me was I even have a big bruise on the palm of my foot. I never had a bruise there. After binding it, I said my goodbye to her and went to my cousin’s coffee shop and met waited for my best friend. When I got home by afternoon, I’ve noticed that the color of my bruises intensified from light purple to deep, dark plum.

The next morning, after going to church, I had my uncle check it. I’m telling you that he is one of the best doctors around. Like there’s one time when he merely looked at a person’s throat and told him he probably has cancer and it turns out after series of tests that my uncle is unfortunately correct. In my case, one look at my foot and he told me that I probably have a fracture and recommended me to undergo x-ray. I was scared. I know that you can easily scratch off that key word “probably” when he is speaking. But one part of me refused to believe him because my foot is starting to feel better. I hoped for the best that it was merely a sprain.

But I think I am not the one born to overrule my uncle’s initial findings.

On the next day, I received my roentgenographic report:

                RIGHT FOOT:

                Shows complete displaced oblique fracture of the 5th metatarsal shaft with underlying soft tissue.

I called my uncle and he immediately referred me to an orthopedic. When I met him finally he told me this strange instruction:

“You need to wear rubber shoes and walk with two clutches for THREE WEEKS and then you’ll have your check up again.”

And I was thinking only three letters on my head: W. T. H.

Enabled. As much as possible, my right foot was not allowed to step on the ground. I was helped greatly by my friend, Abel. Yes, my clutch has a name.

…to be continued…

On Boosting Self-Confidence

“We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.”

― Will Smith

I think that I had come to this point in my life wherein I could truly say that I like myself.

If you had been a follower of my blog, you would know that I have a hard time growing up. I look, talk, think and act differently from others. But now I have this strong verge of confidence inside of me and I am willing to tell you the secret: I now fully know, understand and accept myself.

To accept oneself is not really easy. I believe that while man is essentially born as good person, he is also born a pessimist. We see awful things around us. We brace ourselves for the worst. Also, have you ever wondered why about 90% of the news on the television, radio and the web is composed only of bad news? The reason is pretty simple: bad news is the only ones that sell. The more horrific the news, the better because of the sensation and interest it absorbs from us. Therefore, if we look upon the world with so much negativity, then how do we perceive that one thing closest to us: our own selves?

When you look at the mirror, what do you see? A lot of persons see nothing but their imperfections. You see your pimple and other blemishes one hundred times more than your natural beauty. Or even if you are lucky enough without any skin blemishes, you would wonder why can’t you be skinny or tall or rich or talented or famous enough? That’s another fault of all of us: we like to compare. Then again, why do you need to compare? Whatever happens we live our own, unique lives. We have our own pace in finding our own purpose and our successes in life. Also, understand that no one is perfect. Everybody is struggling every day. Everyone has crosses to bear. Everyone has secrets. Don’t compare yourself to anyone because we don’t know what kind of life he or she is living in. You know, everyone is different even in handling pain. Some goes ballistic with a paper cut but some could smile beautifully despite having a stage four cancer.

Know yourself because chances are if you don’t know who you are then other people, who are most likely insecure of you, and media will tell you negative things that are possibly not true about yourself. You could be told that you would possibly fail in your plans or you lack qualifications or you are not attractive enough.

When I look at the mirror this is what I see: This month, I am officially twenty-four and half years old and a few more months, I will be a quarter of a century old. I am still studying when the people my age are starting to earn their first million pesos, travelling the country and the world and starting a family. I never had a boyfriend. I am voluptuous. I am too tall or too fair for a South-East Asian. I will never have a perfect skin. I am clumsier, quirkier and more awkward than most people I know. BUT I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.

Because I know and appreciate myself better now. I am still studying because I know that I have this much passion, intelligence and love to become a lawyer after a few more years. Yes, I am aging and I am dating nobody but if I will be in the single-blessedness stage forever, would that fact make me less than a person than those people who are married? Are married people or at least people who are in a relationship necessarily happier than those who are flying solo? Of course not.  I may be ageing, but I am very thankful for living wonderfully with so much love around me for more than twenty-four years.

I know my body well, hence, I accept that I am indeed a big and fat woman. But because I am aware this, I learned to choose clothes that are flattering to me. I could just walk myself with chin up because I know that I still could carry a level of sexiness within me. My skin is becoming fairer and fairer as the years go by mainly because I lack sun exposure because I stay at home in the morning to prepare for my lessons at night and leave home when the sun is about to expire for the day. However, I now consider myself lucky because I am no longer one of those girls (or even boys) who would inject thousands of vials of glutathione for their skin to be fairer. However, I really do not see what is wrong with being dark-skinned. To maintain a fair skin is way harder than you thought. A single blemish could be seen easily. Also, sun-kissed skin is always sexy.

My skin would always break out and I’ll never be those girls whom you could call pretty. Recently, I now learned how to use makeup which is so fun. Slowly, I learned that my skin is breaking out mainly of a lot of unnecessary stress. Stress because I was trying to please other people that I don’t like so hard. Stress because all my life I was trying to fit in. Stress because I was tired of my life. And all this were just a lot of wasted, precious energy!

I am clumsy, quirky and awkward but that is just me. Everything that I have said is my imperfections and that makes me who I am. My imperfections made me understand and relate to more people and with this knowledge, I could possibly inspire and boost self-confidence of people who are struggling with the same. I know my value and I am living my life. I do not need to prove or explain myself to anyone. My acceptance of who I truly am give me this long-lasting happiness that I carry on with my life every day. I am now the type of woman who could laugh at her mistakes, shrug it off and move on with your life.

So stand tall, chin up and smile. We are good enough. We matter. We are worthy. We are beautiful persons.

 

Happy, Quirky and Crazy. “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” —Proverbs 31:25